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Who do you feel close to in your family? Describe this person and say why you feel close to him/her. v.1

Who do you feel close to in your family? Describe this person and say why you feel close to him/her. v. 1
Social interactions are in the declining mode among the local communities which is an alarming sign for the entire society. Globalisation and family commitments are the main reasons behind these limited interactions, which can be overcome by doing altogether combined conscious efforts. On the one hand, a competitive world has made really challenging for the people to strike a balance between the work and home life. In fact, a materialistic world has made people to spend their leisure time on internet social media applications such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter rather than having get-together with their neighbours. Moreover, even the younger population of children and teenagers prefer to stay at home and use their free time by watching TV serials, movies, and playing video games. Furthermore, the increase in crime rates, frauds, and violence have built trust issues among the community members and thus, further preventing them from doing the social meetings. On the brighter side, the local government bodies and community leaders should take effortful steps in building and strengthening the relations between their society members. To illustrate, an importance of strong bond which is required in dire circumstances and to build contacts for the expansion of the businesses should be explained to the people. Secondly, weekly or monthly get-together events should be organised which can act as a platform for the people to know about their neighbours in a more refined way. Thirdly, local parks, playing zones, gyms, and swimming pools should be constructed which can be used to increase the level of interactions among all the age groups of the society members. To recapitulate, I opine that a good interaction level among the community members gives the strengths of unity and security. This can be achieved by learning to keep the balance between professional and personal life and thus, finding the time to interact with the neighbours.
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interactions
are in the declining mode among the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
which is an alarming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
for the entire society.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Globalisation' is British English.
Globalisation
and family commitments are the main reasons behind these limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interactions
, which can
be overcome
by doing altogether combined conscious efforts.

On the one hand, a competitive world has made
really
challenging for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to strike a balance between the work and home life. In fact, a materialistic world has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend their leisure time on internet social media applications such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter
rather
than having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
-together with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
.
Moreover
, even the younger population of children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
prefer to stay at home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their free time by watching TV serials, movies, and playing video games.
Furthermore
, the increase in crime rates, frauds, and violence have built trust issues among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
members and
thus
,
further
preventing them from doing the social meetings.

On the brighter side, the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
bodies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
leaders should take effortful steps in building and strengthening the relations between their society members. To illustrate, an importance of strong bond which
is required
in dire circumstances and to build contacts for the expansion of the businesses should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Secondly
, weekly or monthly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
-together
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
which can act as a platform for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to know about their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
in a more refined way.
Thirdly
, local parks, playing zones, gyms, and swimming pools should
be constructed
which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to increase the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interactions
among all the age groups of the society members.

To recapitulate, I opine that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interaction
level among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
members gives the strengths of unity and security. This can
be achieved
by learning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the balance between professional and personal life and
thus
, finding the time to interact with the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Who do you feel close to in your family? Describe this person and say why you feel close to him/her. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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