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Some parents believe that reading entertainment book is a waste of time. In there opinion children should only read serious, educational books. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own experiences. v.1

Some parents believe that reading entertainment book is a waste of time. In there opinion children should only read serious, educational books. v. 1
It is argued that some people work for the same organisation throughout their career other thinks that it is better changing job. In my opinion, I believe that people should change their job when they can't achieve new goals anymore at their current jobs. I will discuss both points of view, then give my opinion. On the one hand, some people serve in the same association throughout their career in order to maintain their long term goals such as promotion. In other words, being loyal to a company is often leads to promotion opportunities. For example, many fortune 500 companies prefer to choose their managers within their employees than hire new ones to sustain their long term plans that require continued commitment and dedication to achieve. On the other hand, some people believe that working for different companies is good for their career development. That is to say, when you experience jobs, you keep learning new skills and become more versatile. This leads to people to become more flexible when they have a chance to switch different company cultures. In my opinion, it takes time to establish kind of meaningful professional relationships that we need to find real job satisfaction. If you stay in the same job for a long time, you end up performing your job mechanically which gives you a feeling of security. However, many employees stagnate in their jobs for fear of insecurity or because the association has no career development policy. And many fresh graduates work in jobs that are not related to their studies. In these cases, it is impossible to have job satisfaction, at this point, people should look for new career opportunities. In conclusion, although there are benefits to working for one organization, but people should set new career goals when they foresee that they can't go further.
It
is argued
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work for the same
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
throughout their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that it is better changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. In my opinion, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
when they can't achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
goals
Make sure that 'anymore' is used as an adverb, not as an adjective. Did you mean "any more"?
anymore
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. I will discuss both points of view, then give my opinion.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
serve in the same association throughout their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in order to maintain their long term goals such as promotion.
In other words
, being loyal to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads to promotion opportunities.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
fortune 500
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
prefer to choose their managers within their employees than hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
ones to sustain their long term plans that require continued commitment and dedication to achieve.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that working for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
development.
That is
to say, when you experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and become more versatile. This leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become more flexible when they have a chance to switch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
cultures.

In my opinion, it takes time to establish kind of meaningful professional relationships that we need to find real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction. If you stay in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for a long time, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up performing your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
mechanically
which gives you a feeling of security.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employees stagnate in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for fear of insecurity or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the association has no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
development policy. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fresh graduates work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that are not related to their studies. In these cases, it is impossible to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction, at this point,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should look for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
opportunities.

In conclusion
, although there are benefits to working for one
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organization' and 'organisation') within a single text.
organization
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should set
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
goals when they foresee that they can't go
further
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some parents believe that reading entertainment book is a waste of time. In there opinion children should only read serious, educational books. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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