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While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenditure. How do you feel about this? What are the drawbacks and benefits of such a decision? v.1

While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenditure. How do you feel about this? What are the drawbacks and benefits of such a decision? v. 1
Nowadays, it is quite common to see many students engaged in part time jobs. A number of learners work after school or college hours in order to meet their expenses. This essay will delve into pros and cons of part time jobs done by the young students. On one hand, there are many advantages of doing a part-time job. Firstly, young learners are able to earn money which help in decreasing in the burden of expenses on their parent’s pockets. Secondly, by engaging in such jobs a pupil gains many qualities such as communication skills and time management which proves to be beneficial in the later part of their life. For instance, according to a research by a popular magazine, it is shown that the persons who have taken up some part time jobs during college days are more professional than the others. Last but not the least, it helps to build confidence of the student which, in turn, helps in one’s holistic development. On the other hand, there are various detrimental effects of working part time after college hours. The students usually lose their interest in studies as they are more focused towards their job. Moreover, a greater number of stressful time results into deterioration of the mental health of young learners. To illustrate, around 80 percent of students doing part time jobs are seen to be prone to some kind of mental disease such as depression, thus, affecting the society as a whole. To conclude, the advantages of doing part time work clearly overshadows the disadvantages. In my opinion, engaging in job is an excellent opportunity for the pupils to gain various qualities which help them in their future career prospects.
Nowadays, it is quite common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
engaged in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. A number of learners work after school or college hours in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their expenses. This essay will delve into pros and cons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
done by the young students.

On one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages of doing a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Firstly
, young learners are able to earn money which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in decreasing in the burden of expenses on their parent’s pockets.
Secondly
, by engaging in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
a pupil gains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
qualities such as communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
management which proves to be beneficial in the later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of their life.
For instance
, according to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
by a popular magazine, it
is shown
that the persons who have taken up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
during college days are more professional than the others. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to build confidence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
which, in turn,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in one’s holistic development.

On the other hand
, there are various detrimental effects of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after college hours. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
usually
lose their interest in studies as they are more focused towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Moreover
, a greater number of stressful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
results into deterioration of the mental health of young learners. To illustrate, around 80 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to be prone to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of mental disease such as depression,
thus
, affecting the society as a whole.

To conclude
, the advantages of doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
work
clearly
overshadows the disadvantages. In my opinion, engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is an excellent opportunity for the pupils to gain various qualities which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them in their future career prospects.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenditure. How do you feel about this? What are the drawbacks and benefits of such a decision? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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