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Which Person Are You Most Likely To Go To With A Personal Problem? Describe This Person And Say, In Particular, Why You Would Go To Him/her. v.2

Which Person Are You Most Likely To Go To With A Personal Problem? Describe This Person And Say, In Particular, Why You Would Go To Him/her. v. 2
Nowadays, the reasons why a lot of people become younger has been receiving a great deal of attention. Although this problem can be contributed to a whole host of reasons, I believe that it has a negative effect on people’s life. On the one hand, there are two main reasons to answer the question of why people attempt to look younger. Firstly, since the standard of living of people today is higher than that of previous generations, they tend to consume more organic foods, which has a positive impact on their health, such as beans, clean vegetables, etc. In fact, these kinds of foods provide enough vitamins, nutrients, fiber for people, which helps to slower their aging process. Secondly, by using cosmetic or going surgery, people become more beautiful younger than the age they have. This means that freckles, scars, and other skin blemished were hidden, thus their face will be more stunning. On the other hand, in order to look younger, people were using different methods which were detrimental to their life. Firstly, people tend to go to the private hospital for surgery, which can lead to numerous health issues such as cancer, complication or even death. According to a paper that was published in the reputable medical journal, the percentage of people who have ever plastic surgery has potential to suffer from cancer than ordinary people. Secondly, using a lot of cosmetics can cause economic burdens for families. As a result, in order to more beauty, a huge of people have been paid millions of VND which can use for other expenditures such as take care of their children, hires tutors for teaching, etc. In conclusion, using cosmetics and eating clean foods could be the reasons why myriad of people look younger. Although this trend is not without advantages, I argue that the downside needs to consider.
Nowadays, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
has been receiving a great deal of attention. Although this problem can
be contributed
to a whole host of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
, I believe that it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life.

On the one hand, there are two main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
to answer the question of why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attempt to look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
.
Firstly
, since the standard of living of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
is higher than that of previous generations, they tend to consume more organic foods, which has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on their health, such as beans, clean vegetables, etc. In fact, these kinds of foods provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
vitamins, nutrients, fiber for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to slower their aging process.
Secondly
, by using cosmetic or going surgery,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
than the age they have. This means that freckles, scars, and other skin blemished
were hidden
,
thus
their face will be more stunning.

On the other hand
, in order to look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
methods which were detrimental to their life.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to go to the private hospital for surgery, which can lead to numerous health issues such as cancer, complication or even death. According to a paper that
was published
in the reputable medical journal, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have ever plastic surgery has potential to suffer from cancer than ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Secondly
, using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
cosmetics can cause economic burdens for families.
As a result
, in order to more beauty,
The phrase 'a huge of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a huge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
been paid
millions of VND which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for other expenditures such as take care of their children, hires tutors for teaching, etc.

In conclusion
, using cosmetics and eating clean foods could be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why myriad of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
. Although this trend is not without advantages, I argue that the downside needs to consider.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Which Person Are You Most Likely To Go To With A Personal Problem? Describe This Person And Say, In Particular, Why You Would Go To Him/her. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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