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which one do you prefer? high-school students should take different subjects at the same time or they should focus on three or four subjects at the time. v.1

which one do you prefer? high-school students should take different subjects at the same time or they should focus on three or four subjects at the time. v. 1
Many educational specialists argue that second language learning should commence in first school instead of high school. While I contend that it could be too taxing for youngsters to learn two languages while at primary school, I agree with the experts overall and believe the benefits of doing this overpower the drawbacks. To begin with, if a young child is learning not only his native language, but also one that is foreign to him, he may struggle so much that his acquisition of both suffers. This could happen because children at this age are already overloaded with new experiences to learn from. For instance, for the first time in most of their lives, they are entering classroom environments, learning to accept the authority of teachers and developing relationships with their peers. Having to study a second language on top of this, then, would likely make them feel too stressed and lead them to underperform in their studies. Despite this problem, primary school age is still the optimum time to learn foreign languages. It has been identified as the golden age for this purpose since it is when the brain is particularly malleable and language acquisition skills are at their strongest. This window of rapid development begins to close as one enters puberty, and so it is ideal for pupils to begin acquiring new languages as early as possible. Furthermore, young children are less self-conscious than teenagers, which is particularly advantageous when practising a new language. If a young child mispronounces a word which makes people laugh, for example, he will probably not become too disheartened and should be able to move on easily. Adolescents, on the other hand, tend to get embarrassed in such situations and be less willing to try again for fear of failure. In conclusion, even though studying multiple languages would initially be overwhelming for most primary school children, I think doing this is best because of the neurological and psychological advantages they would have.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
educational specialists argue that second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
learning should commence in
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
instead
of high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. While I contend that it could be too taxing for youngsters to learn two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
while at primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the experts
overall
and believe the benefits of doing
The verb 'overpower' is plural. Did you mean: "this overpowers"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this overpower
the drawbacks.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, if a young child is learning not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
his native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
one
that is
foreign to him, he may struggle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much that his acquisition of both suffers. This could happen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children at this age are already overloaded with new experiences to learn from.
For instance
, for the
first
time in most of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, they are entering classroom environments, learning to accept the authority of teachers and developing relationships with their peers. Having to study a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
on top of this, then, would likely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and lead them to underperform in their studies.

Despite this problem, primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
age is
still
the optimum time to learn foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
. It has
been identified
as the golden age for this purpose since it is when the brain is
particularly
malleable and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
acquisition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are at their strongest. This window of rapid development
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
to close as one enters puberty, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is ideal for pupils to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
acquiring new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
as early as possible.
Furthermore
, young children are less self-conscious than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, which is
particularly
advantageous when
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
. If a young child mispronounces a word which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
laugh,
for example
, he will
probably
not become too disheartened and should be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
on
easily
. Adolescents,
on the other hand
, tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
embarrassed in such situations and be less willing to try again for fear of failure.

In conclusion
,
even though
studying multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
would
initially
be overwhelming for most primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
doing this is best
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the neurological and psychological advantages they would have.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay which one do you prefer? high-school students should take different subjects at the same time or they should focus on three or four subjects at the time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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