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Which of the following three subjects would you choose to learn? Math, Painting or Science? And what you want to learn form this subject? v.1

Which of the following three subjects would you choose to learn? Math, Painting or Science? And what you want to learn form this subject? v. 1
There is an inevitable controversy going on in recent days, that employers knowing in and out about the applicant. Is it really relevant to ask about the personal information such as hobbies and their interests, and their relationship status? Well, I would profoundly agree to both the sides. Let us discuss both the views to come to a concrete decision. Firstly, a myriad of people consider that hobbies and interests reveal their own personality and how well the individual know about himself. In Addition, knowing whether they are married or single reveals their commitment towards the company. For instance- If you're single, managers can ask you to spare some over-time when needed. Furthermore, companies can encourage the employee's interests to participate in internal competitions which makes them to concentrate more on their jobs leading to higher productivities. Secondly, many people think, asking about the personal information is not relevant to their job description and their roles to be performed in any company instead they can concentrate more on the individual's previous experience and projects done which tells them if they're eligible to the position. For example- Applicant might not pass the interview for not feeling good in presenting the personal relations, but can thrive to do the job in a viable way. To conclude, I would agree to a small extent to the aforementioned statement because some jobs require the applicant personal and professional information for the commitment towards the company and others may not require any of the hobbies and interests or about their relationship status.
There is an inevitable controversy going on in recent days, that employers knowing in and out about the applicant. Is it
really
relevant to ask about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information such as hobbies and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
, and their relationship status? Well, I would
profoundly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to both the sides.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us discuss both the views to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to a concrete decision.

Firstly
, a myriad of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that hobbies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
reveal their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personality and how well the individual know about himself.
In Addition
, knowing whether they
are married
or single reveals their commitment towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
For instance
- If you're single, managers can ask you to spare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
over-time when needed.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
can encourage the employee's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
to participate in internal competitions which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them to concentrate more on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
leading to higher
Possible spelling mistake found.
productivities
.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, asking about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information is not relevant to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
description and their roles to
be performed
in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
instead
they can concentrate more on the individual's previous experience and projects done which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tells
them if they're eligible to the position.
For example
- Applicant might not pass the interview for not feeling
The usual preposition for this expression is "at". Did you mean, "good at presenting"?
good in presenting
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
relations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can thrive to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
Consider replacing "in a viable way" with the adverb for "viable"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a viable way
.

To conclude
, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
extent to the aforementioned statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
require the applicant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
and professional information for the commitment towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
may not require any of the hobbies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
or about their relationship status.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Which of the following three subjects would you choose to learn? Math, Painting or Science? And what you want to learn form this subject? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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