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Subject which will lead to better job or subject which you are interested. Which subject will you choose? Why? v.1

Subject which will lead to better job or subject which you are interested. Which subject will you choose? Why? v. 1
It is true that sports personalities have paid a huge amount of salary all over the world, but other professionals do not get this much of money. People have different views regarding this. While some people argue that this is the right thing, others do not support this and they think that it is unfair. However, I believe that sportspeople should be paid well. On the one hand, a growing number of people argue that the sports guys should receive a big salary. They claim that these people have worked very hard to achieve this level. They sacrificed their happiness, fun, regular life in childhood and only full and fully worked for their ultimate goal. For example, the world-famous athlete Usain Bolt, he had born in an ordinary family in Jamaica and he started to run at the age of six, from that day onwards he and his family put all the courage and financial for his Olympic dream, finally, he won the Olympic gold medal and also he had made the world unbeatable record as fastest runner. Therefore, sports celebrities get paid huge money is not unfair. On the other hand, a few people think that is not fair because of other professions like doctor, teacher, engineer, the scientist who help more for the country and people to develop but they do not get paid massive payment as sports individuals. For instance, the teacher who involved their entire life to provide the knowledge to make bright students for future, same as that the doctors work hard to cure the diseases from patients. Those professionals also contribute as much as they can, but their salary was little. Therefore sports athletes' payments are not accepted by these people. In conclusion, sportspeople should be paid well, but other important jobs should be paid with their standards to afford a wealthy life.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personalities have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
a huge amount of salary all over the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
this much of money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views regarding this. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that this is the right thing, others do not support
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
this and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is unfair.
However
, I believe that sportspeople should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well.

On the one hand, a growing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
guys should receive a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
salary. They claim that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have worked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve this level. They sacrificed their happiness, fun, regular life in childhood and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
full and
fully
worked for their ultimate goal.
For example
, the world-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
athlete
Possible spelling mistake found.
Usain
Bolt, he had born in an ordinary family in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Jamaica and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to run at the age of six, from that day onwards he and his family put all the courage and financial for his Olympic dream,
finally
, he won the Olympic gold medal and
also
he had made the world unbeatable record as fastest runner.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
huge money is not unfair.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions like doctor, teacher, engineer, the scientist who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
more for the country and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
massive payment as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
individuals.
For instance
, the teacher who involved their entire life to provide the knowledge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
bright students for future, same as that the doctors work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to cure the diseases from patients. Those professionals
also
contribute as much as they can,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their salary was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
athletes' payments are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, sportspeople should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
jobs should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
with their standards to afford a wealthy life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Subject which will lead to better job or subject which you are interested. Which subject will you choose? Why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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