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Which of the following jobs do you think should be paid the most; doctors, teachers, or police officers? v.1

Which of the following jobs do you think should be paid the most; doctors, teachers, or police officers? v. 1
Present time, it is very tough for kids to focus on the centre of learning. The main reason is lack of interest because of the latest technology and diet of children, and the solution for this issue parents need to plan routine for their babies and give them healthy food. Firstly, modern technological effects are all kids are busy in using social media sites and games their major focus using sites like Facebook, WhatsApp that’s the reason they are not able to concentrate on their studies. For instance, a survey run by Cambridge University about 90% of student using Facebook in school rather than attending classes. Furthermore, Parents should monitor what they are doing, how much time they spend on games and how much they did the studies. Secondly, to address the issue of improper food and routine, children should be encouraged to eat nutritious food and follow a routine. For instance, in many health-related studies, the link between lack of certain vitamins and minerals in body and attention deficit disorder has been established. This makes it obvious that good foodstuff plays an important role in increasing concentration. Thus, eating a nutritious diet is suggested as a promising solution to the problem. To conclude, it is felt that restricting the time spent on games, internet and having a healthy meal will help children to increase the ability to focus, concentrate and pay attention in schools. It is thus hoped that these solutions are put into place as soon as possible so that children may improve their attentiveness in schools and enhance their learning skills.
Present time, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tough for kids to focus on the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of learning. The main reason is lack of interest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the latest technology and diet of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and the solution for this issue parents need to plan routine for their babies and give them healthy food.

Firstly
, modern technological effects are all kids are busy in using social media sites and games their major focus using sites like Facebook, WhatsApp that’s the reason they are not able to concentrate on their studies.
For instance
, a survey run by Cambridge University about 90% of student using Facebook in school
rather
than attending classes.
Furthermore
, Parents should monitor what they are doing, how much time they spend on games and how much they did the studies.

Secondly
, to address the issue of improper food and routine,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
to eat nutritious food and follow a routine.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health-related studies, the link between lack of certain vitamins and minerals in body and attention deficit disorder has
been established
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it obvious that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
foodstuff plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in increasing concentration.
Thus
, eating a nutritious diet
is suggested
as a promising solution to the problem.

To conclude
, it
is felt
that restricting the time spent on games, internet and having a healthy meal will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to increase the ability to focus, concentrate and pay attention in schools. It is
thus
hoped that these solutions
are put
into place as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their attentiveness in schools and enhance their learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Which of the following jobs do you think should be paid the most; doctors, teachers, or police officers? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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