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Question: Using points and examples from the lecture, explain what determines animals' 24-hour activity cycle. . v.1

Question: Using points and examples from the lecture, explain what determines animals' 24-hour activity cycle. . v. 1
There are many educated women sit at home in order to look after their children as well as family and consider as this is their responsibility. However, others, argue that they should be paid for their hard work. I, personally, believe that this is an appropriate initiative and that needs to be implemented for the betterment of the women' s status. First of all, it is an indisputable fact that housewives, they sacrifice their prosperous career ladder for the betterment of the family. In other words, in several families, female partner cannot be continued her job once they get married as they are forced to take care family affaires rather than going for a job. By contrast, if they continued to work, they may be secured the highest position in their career. Apart from this, they also encounter a lot of emotional issues when they are unable to employable, granting a pension, therefor, housewives can be the recognition of their hard work and this surely enhances the morale of the women on a great extend. Yet, another point is taken into account is that, by providing this assistance makes them financially independent, and they can afford a certain amount of expenses without depending anyone in the family. Not only will this make them happy, but they think that their contributions towards family get recognized among others as well. Additionally, the society should understand that women in the family play multiple roles same time; mother, teacher, care giver, cleaner, and so on. Having facilitated a regular income, women contribute even more for the welfare of the entire family. By way of conclusion, there are some disagreements regarding allowing housewives to secure a monthly pension for their services in the family. In my opinion, I strongly support this policy since this uplifts women's status in the society. It is predicted that this new development be implemented in the near future.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
sit at home in order to look after their children
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and consider as this is their responsibility.
However
, others, argue that they should
be paid
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. I,
personally
, believe that this is an appropriate initiative and that needs to
be implemented
for the betterment of the women' s status.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an indisputable fact that housewives, they sacrifice their prosperous career ladder for the betterment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
In other words
, in several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, female partner cannot
be continued
her job once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married as they
are forced
to take care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "affairs", the plural form of the noun 'affair'?
affaires
rather
than going for a job. By contrast, if they continued to work, they may
be secured
the highest position in their career. Apart from this, they
also
encounter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
emotional issues when they are unable to employable, granting a pension, therefor, housewives can be the recognition of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and this
surely
enhances the morale of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
on a great extend.

Yet
, another point
is taken
into account is that, by providing this assistance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
financially
independent, and they can afford a certain amount of expenses without
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depending on".
depending
anyone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them happy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that their contributions towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
recognized among others
as well
.
Additionally
, the society should understand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
play multiple roles same time; mother, teacher, care giver, cleaner, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Having facilitated a regular income,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
contribute even more for the welfare of the entire family.

By way of conclusion, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreements regarding allowing housewives to secure a monthly pension for their services in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In my opinion, I
strongly
support this policy since
Did you mean "these"?
this
uplifts women's status in the society. It
is predicted
that this new development
be implemented
in the near future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Question: Using points and examples from the lecture, explain what determines animals' 24-hour activity cycle. . v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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