Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

In some countries, some people think that women should have equality with men, in particular equal rights to work as police officers or serve in the army. Others think women are not suitable for such jobs. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

In some countries, some people think that women should have equality with men, in particular equal rights to work as police officers or serve in the army. Others think women are not suitable for such jobs. v. 2
The whole world is turning to egalitarian society in this modern context. Therefore, some people advocate that women deserve equal rights to men in terms of working in the defence system of a nation. By contrast, others claim that females are not the right choice for the jobs in army and police. Here, I would like to account for both sides with my perception. There are many points to shore up the former view. First and foremost, modern women have ability to rub shoulder with men in every field. Gone are the days when women were supposed to be the weaker members of society. But at present, modern women are well educated, advance and active in every field. To demonstrate, females such as Kalpna Chawla, Sania Mirza and Kiran Bedi have already shown their great achievements in aviation, sports and police department. Hence, allowing females to work in the defence sector can promote the sense of equality and unity among both genders and they should be permitted to work in army and police. In addition, giving females opportunity to work in defence will uplift their self-esteem, dignity and respect in the modern societies. On the contrary, others have conflicting views. Numerous points can be mentioned to endorse the latter view. Initially, women are generally, considered physically less strong and more sensitive as compared to men. Therefore, doing jobs in defence management is not a piece of cake for women. What is more, jobs in army and police require strong temperament and ability to take brave decisions without becoming emotional. But, females are neither mentally strong as men nor brave enough to deal with situations like war. This is the reason why they do not suit to such professions. In my notion, both aspects have their own significance. Undeniably, both genders have their own set of individuality and their abilities vary in distinct sectors. However, freedom given to women for joining army or police will enhance value of females and disappear the differences on behalf of gender. Therefore, they should be given chance to step forward for defence jobs. To recapitulate, nature has blessed equal empowerment to both men and women. It is unjustifiable to underestimate the capabilities of female without offering them a chance to prove themselves.
The whole world is turning to egalitarian society in this modern context.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
deserve equal rights to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in terms of working in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
system of a nation. By contrast, others claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are not the right choice for the jobs in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
. Here, I would like to account for both sides with my perception.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
points to shore up the former view.
First
and foremost,

modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have ability to rub shoulder with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in every field. Gone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "is".
are
the days when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were supposed
to be the weaker members of society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
at present, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
, advance and active in every field. To demonstrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kalpna
Possible spelling mistake found.
Chawla
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sania
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mirza
and Kiran
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bedi
have already shown their great achievements in aviation, sports and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
department.
Hence
, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
to work in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
sector can promote the sense of equality and unity among both
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
genders and
they should
be permitted
to work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
.
In addition
, giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
opportunity to work in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
will uplift their self-esteem, dignity and respect in the modern societies.
On the contrary
, others have conflicting views.

Numerous points can
be mentioned
to endorse the latter view.
Initially
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
generally
, considered
physically
less strong and more sensitive as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
Therefore
, doing jobs in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
management is not a piece of cake for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
What is more
, jobs in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
require strong temperament and ability to take brave decisions without becoming emotional.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are neither mentally strong as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
nor brave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to deal with situations like war. This is the reason why they do not suit to such professions.

In my notion, both aspects have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
significance.
Undeniably
, both genders have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
set of individuality and their abilities vary in distinct sectors.
However
, freedom
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
for joining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
will enhance value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
and disappear the differences on behalf of gender.
Therefore
, they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chance to step forward for
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
jobs.

To recapitulate, nature has blessed equal empowerment to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. It is unjustifiable to underestimate the capabilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
without offering them a chance to prove themselves.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay In some countries, some people think that women should have equality with men, in particular equal rights to work as police officers or serve in the army. Others think women are not suitable for such jobs. v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
377 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts