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Which is better for children's education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 11-month studyand 1-month break? v.1

Which is better for children's education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 11-month studyand 1-month break? v. 1
Food demand experience a surge in the world. This essay will address the increasing number of the global population as a principal cause of this issue, and provides agricultural and modern farming strategies as approaches which can be taken to deal with this problem. One reason clarifying why global demand for food witnesses significant rise in recent decades is the ever increasing population. This is mainly caused by lack of government commitments to reduce the birth rates. Indonesia, for instance, experiences a drastic incline of the population to more than a fourth of million in 2020. In contrast, this is not coupled with an advancement in the agricultural sector, in which the primary source of national food derives from. As a result, the government has to import various comestible products from other nations such as Thailand, and this eventually affects the global growth of food demand. To overcome this issue, there are two measurements can be applied by international communities. First of all, the countries with low agricultural productivities are supposed to have effective agricultural strategies, such as converting vacant lands and grasslands to the agricultural production areas. Thus, the countries are able to increase their crop productions and meet national needs. Secondly, employing modern farming strategies such as indoor vertical farming. This newly agricultural method can cultivate crop all the year as it does not depend on the environment such as the sun, and it uses artificial light to plant the crops. Therefore, crops can be cultivated continuously, and the supply of food is sufficient for the global citizen. To sum up, I believe any ideas that can improve agricultural productions is worth trying. However, I also think that vertical farming is more advantageous since it has a less negative impact on the degradation of the environment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Food
demand experience a surge in the world. This essay will address the increasing number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
population as a principal cause of this issue, and provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
and modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
strategies as approaches which can
be taken
to deal with this problem.

One reason clarifying why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
demand for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
witnesses significant rise in recent decades is the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ever increasing
population. This is
mainly
caused by lack of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
commitments to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the birth rates. Indonesia,
for instance
, experiences a drastic incline of the population to more than a fourth of million in 2020.
In contrast
, this is not coupled with an advancement in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
sector, in which the primary source of national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
derives from.
As a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
import various comestible products from other nations such as Thailand, and this
eventually
affects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
demand.

To overcome this issue, there are two measurements can
be applied
by international communities.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the countries with low
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
Possible spelling mistake found.
productivities
are supposed
to have effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
strategies, such as converting vacant lands and grasslands to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
production areas.
Thus
, the countries are able to increase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crop
productions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
national needs.
Secondly
, employing modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
strategies such as indoor vertical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
. This
newly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
method can cultivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crop
all the year as it does not depend on the environment such as the sun, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
artificial light to plant the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crops
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crops
can
be cultivated
continuously
, and the supply of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is sufficient for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
citizen.

To sum up, I believe any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
productions is worth trying.
However
, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that vertical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
is more advantageous since it has a less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the degradation of the environment.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Which is better for children's education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 11-month studyand 1-month break? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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