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Which is better for children’s education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 3-month study and 1-month break? v.2

Which is better for children’s education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 3-month study and 1-month break? v. 2
At any time, improving and upgrading education system is always a big issue for human beings. How to help children to obtain a higher studying efficiency? Some experts suggest schools change their schedule to a 9-month semester and a 3-month vacation in order to obtain a better education. However, according to my perspective, this suggestion cannot achieve its goal and even lower kids’ learning efficiency in the end. First of all, machines will break down after a long-time operation let alone little children. Longer terms of 9 months may exert bad influence in children who might become tired and exhausted. People, especially young children, will not study well if they lack (of) relaxation. Time and time again, they probably lose passion and have no interest in learning knowledge, which is a totally bad thing for a person’s lifelong education. In addition, it is a huge burden for every student to take lots of final exams due to a big amount of subjects they learned after 9-month study. Needless to say, lots of people will gain poorer academic performance under this system. Therefore, keeping on studying for 9 months is a terrible idea. Secondly, a 3-month break is also too long for students. Seldom will kids review textbooks and knowledge they have learned. My brother, James, has two 2-month happy breaks per year now, but when a new semester starts, he has to spend a whole week to adjust himself from a relaxing holiday mold to a stressful studying schedule. Sometimes he even cannot recall the knowledge he had learned last semester which needed to master for a new term after two months. In this case, I am sure that more knowledge will be forgotten if students can have a 3-month break. That is to say, a too long vacation will badly lower students’ learning process. In contrast, the three breaks after each 3-month study is reasonable. Young kids can have three vacations in three different seasons. It is extremely beneficial for young students to travel around in vocation. In this way, they can go skiing in Alaska in winter, swim in Hawaii in summer and appreciate Japanese blossom flowers in Spring. More various and vivid traveling experience will be got. So, children can better enjoy the off-campus life. In conclusion, schools should not adopt the ridiculous suggestion form so-called experts for the sake of students. Children will not gain any advantages from it or even feel more pressure and less efficient.
At any time, improving and upgrading education system is always a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
issue for human beings. How to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to obtain a higher studying efficiency?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts suggest schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their schedule to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
9-month
semester and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
vacation in order to obtain a better education.
However
, according to my perspective, this suggestion cannot achieve its goal and even lower kids’ learning efficiency in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, machines will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
down after a long-time operation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
alone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Longer terms of 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
may exert
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who might become tired and exhausted.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
,
especially
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, will not study well if they lack (of) relaxation. Time and time again, they
probably
lose passion and have no interest in learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
, which is a
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing for a person’s lifelong education.
In addition
, it is a huge burden for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to take lots of final exams due to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of subjects they learned after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
9-month
study. Needless to say, lots of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will gain poorer academic performance under this system.
Therefore
, keeping on studying for 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
is a terrible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

Secondly
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
is
also
too long for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Seldom will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "kid"
kids
review textbooks and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
they have learned. My brother, James, has two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
2-month
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
per year
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when a new semester
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
, he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
spend a whole week to adjust himself from a relaxing holiday mold to a stressful studying schedule.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
he even cannot recall the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
he had learned last semester which needed to master for a new term after two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
.
In this case
, I am sure that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
will
be forgotten
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
.
That is
to say, a too long vacation will
badly
lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
learning process.

In contrast
, the three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
after each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
study is reasonable. Young kids can have three vacations in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
seasons. It is
extremely
beneficial for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to travel around in vocation. In this way, they can go skiing in Alaska in winter, swim in Hawaii in summer and appreciate Japanese blossom flowers in Spring. More various and vivid traveling experience will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can better enjoy the off-campus life.

In conclusion
, schools should not adopt the ridiculous suggestion form
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called experts for the sake of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
will not gain any advantages from it or even feel more pressure and less efficient.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Which is better for children’s education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 3-month study and 1-month break? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
411 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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