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Which is better for children's education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 11-month studyand 1-month break? v.2

Which is better for children's education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 11-month studyand 1-month break? v. 2
In the present day and life, parents pay much more attention to children’s education; even some of them willing to give up their jobs and shift their energies to educate their kids. Moreover, someone may wonder that whether a 9-month study and a 3-month break are better for children’s education or an 11-month study and a 1-month break are better for children’s education. In my perspective, I prefer a short period of study and a long time of the break. First of all, children can use the break time to develop their hobbies or go to different places that they willing to. To be specific, if students need to go to the school for 11 month, thus, there will be no time for them to do things that they want. Moreover, hobbies or go travel can have a lot of benefits to the development of children. For instance, every year, there will be three long-time breaks in my school. Last summer vacation, I went to XIAN, a city in China, with my family. Through the traveling, I contacted with the culture and history of that city, and I accumulated a lot of knowledge, meanwhile, I got fun and relax. When I came back to school, I made a presentation to my classmates about what I saw and knew, and I got extra credit from my teacher. Secondly, too much time on the study will give children huge stress, and their mental or body will become unhealthy. For instance, my little brother is in grade 6 right now. Every day, he has a lot of homework need to do; even during the weekend, he needs to go to the tutorial classes. There is just a limit time for him to watch TV or do things that he wants to. What’s more, I have a kind of feeling that my little brother is exhausted by those school works and he always tells me that there is no hope in his life. I have to admit that as a student, my brother’s job is to study; however, spend too much time on the study will cause the opposite effect. In the end, I think it will be much better for children to have a 9-month study and a 3-month break. They are the hope of our society, and they should get enough time to relax or do things that they willing to. Moreover, we should not put children in a high-stress situation, it’s adults’ responsibility to keep children’s naive instead of forcing them to spend too much time on studying.
In the present day and life, parents pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
more attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education; even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them willing to give up their jobs and shift their energies to educate their kids.
Moreover
, someone may wonder that whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
9-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
are better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education or an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
11-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
1-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
are better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education. In my perspective, I prefer a short period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of the break.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to develop their hobbies or go to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places that
Did you mean "they're willing", "they are willing", or "they were willing"?
they willing
to. To be specific, if students need to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
for 11
Possible agreement error. The noun 'month' seems to be countable, so consider using: "months".
month
,
thus
, there will be no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for them to do things that they want.
Moreover
, hobbies or go travel can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits to the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, every year, there will be three long-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breaks
in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Last summer vacation, I went to XIAN, a city in China, with my family. Through the traveling, I contacted with the culture and history of that city, and I accumulated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
knowledge, meanwhile, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
fun and relax. When I came back to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, I made a presentation to my classmates about what I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
and knew, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
extra credit from my teacher.

Secondly
, too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
will give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, and their mental or body will become unhealthy.
For instance
, my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
brother is in grade 6 right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Every day, he has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
homework need to do; even during the weekend, he needs to go to the tutorial classes. There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a limit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for him to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV or do things that he wants to. What’s more, I have a kind of feeling that my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
brother
is exhausted
by those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
works and
he always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tells
me that there is no hope in his life. I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit that as a student, my brother’s job is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
;
however
, spend too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
will cause the opposite effect.

In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
9-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
. They are the hope of our society, and they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to relax or do things that
Did you mean "they're willing", "they are willing", or "they were willing"?
they willing
to.
Moreover
, we should not put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
situation, it’s adults’ responsibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
naive
instead
of forcing them to spend too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on studying.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Which is better for children's education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 11-month studyand 1-month break? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
427 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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