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when there is a new technological device available, some people will buy it immediately, while others will wait until many others have adopted it. Which view do you agree more. v.2

when there is a new technological device available, some people will buy it immediately, while others will wait until many others have adopted it. Which view do you agree more. v. 2
We are living in a world full of splendours and technology is one of the brightest. Tremendous amount technological devices make it possible that we can use the technology and even hold them in hands. Those devices, equipped with the most advanced technology, attracts so many people that they will make purchase once the devices release. However, from my own experience, I prefer to buy the new deices until many others have adopted it. First and foremost, the first orders of the new devices are not stable and reliable enough to support the new functions. Usually, after the release, the vendors of the new device will need a while to test and adjust the device and their production lines to ensure the reliability. However, some vendors will shorted the time for testing and adjustment and have the customers play that role. Therefore, the initial devices are likely to have defects. For instance, I bought a mobile phone last year after the release immediately. There were some defects on the screen and I had to pay for the shipment for the repair. Moreover, the merchants are likely to exaggerate the new functions or the quality of new device to attract people. However, some functions are not practical or meaningful. For example, a mobile phone company released a smart watch with limited battery capacity so if you want to use that watch, you have to take a cable and portable charge with you and check the battery condition frequently. Some customers complained that the watch could only last for several hours so providing time or other additional information is impossible. Producing a low battery watch is anything but practical. Therefore, we need to evaluate the functions of new devices meticulously for some time. Last but not the least, even though one new device is reliable and utilitarian, I would also like to wait for a while because other similar products will come out later. In this way, I can select a cheaper device and experience the quality and new functions at the same time. Last year, some bands were released and most of them could detect the heart beat and count steps. For me, I only concentrated on those two functions. So I waited for twenty days, compared several new devices, and finally selected the cheaper one. Not only did I saved money, but also I pick the suitable one. In conclusion, I will wait for couple of weeks until the quality of the new products is stable, the functions are reliable. In addition, I can also make comparison between similar devices.
We are living in a world full of
Possible spelling mistake. 'splendours' is British English.
splendours
and technology is one of the brightest. Tremendous amount technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it possible that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the technology and even hold them in hands. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, equipped with the most advanced technology,
You should probably use "attract".
attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
once the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
release.
However
, from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, I prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
deices until
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others have adopted it.

First
and foremost, the
first
orders of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are not stable and reliable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
.
Usually
, after the release, the vendors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
will
Did you mean "need awhile"?
need a while
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
and adjust the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
and their production lines to ensure the reliability.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vendors will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "short"
shorted
the time for testing and adjustment and have the customers play that role.
Therefore
, the initial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are likely to have defects.
For instance
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a mobile phone last year after the release immediately. There were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
defects on the screen and I had to pay for the shipment for the repair.

Moreover
, the merchants are likely to exaggerate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
or the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
to attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
are not practical or meaningful.
For example
, a mobile phone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
released a smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
with limited battery capacity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if you want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take a cable and portable charge with you and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the battery condition
frequently
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
customers complained that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
last for several hours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
providing time or other additional information is impossible. Producing a low battery
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
is anything
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
practical.
Therefore
, we need to evaluate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
meticulously
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least,
even though
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
is reliable and utilitarian, I would
also
like to wait for a while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
other similar products will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out later. In this way, I can select a cheaper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
and experience the quality and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
at the same time. Last year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
bands
were released
and most of them could detect the heart beat and count steps. For me, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrated on those two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I waited for twenty days, compared several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, and
finally
selected the cheaper one. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
did I saved money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
I pick the suitable one.

In conclusion
, I will wait for
It seems that an article is missing.
couple of
weeks until the quality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
products is stable, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
are reliable.
In addition
, I can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
comparison between similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
.
21Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay when there is a new technological device available, some people will buy it immediately, while others will wait until many others have adopted it. Which view do you agree more. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
430 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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