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Which activity is best for children to develop themselves, joining in a sport team, doing community service, or travelling to other cities? . v.1

Which activity is best for children to develop themselves, joining in a sport team, doing community service, or travelling to other cities? . v. 1
It is an obvious fact that financial aspects are a major part of the daily life, as an adult and even as a young individual. Each and any of us has to make financial decisions concerning recreation, health, schooling and more. The question is whether to start with financial matters as part of the school program or to postpone it for a later stage in life. To begin with, being able to understand the value of money, the way the economic system works and to interpret financial news and its implications is a virtue. Without this virtue, an individual, even a young one, might suffer to some extent. For an example, a child who doesn’t understand the concept of money might find it more difficult to except choosing only one present out of more possible ones. In addition, many adults are lacking the capability of financial analysis. Quite often, the reason can be the lack of sound foundations or insecurity when it comes to financial terms and concepts. Starting from an early age, building a strong background, can very likely prevent such situation. However, financial education necessarily involves quantifying and setting prices and value for services and goods. It can easily turn young people into cynical human beings who lack emotion. Furthermore, a tendency to self-concentration and egoism might arise when one start measuring everything from a profit-making perspective. In conclusion, financial education has both pros and cons. In my opinion, the advantages are more significant than the disadvantages, making financial education an advisable component of the school program. The disadvantages should be thought of as a certain price that young people have to pay due to the characteristics of the world that we live in.
It is an obvious fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aspects are a major part of the daily life, as an adult and even as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individual. Each and any of us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
decisions concerning recreation, health, schooling and more. The question is whether to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
matters as part of the school program or to postpone it for a later stage in life.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, being able to understand the value of money, the way the economic system works and to interpret
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
news and its implications is a virtue. Without this virtue, an individual, even a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
one, might suffer to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. For an example, a child who doesn’t understand the concept of money might find it more difficult to except choosing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one present out of more possible ones.

In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults are lacking the capability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
analysis. Quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
, the reason can be the lack of sound foundations or insecurity when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
terms and concepts. Starting from an early age, building a strong background, can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
likely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
such situation.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
education
necessarily
involves quantifying and setting prices and value for services and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. It can
easily
turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
into cynical human beings who lack emotion.
Furthermore
, a tendency to self-concentration and egoism might arise when one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
measuring everything from a profit-making perspective.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
education has both pros and cons. In my opinion, the advantages are more significant than the disadvantages, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
education an advisable component of the school program. The disadvantages should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of as a certain price that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay due to the characteristics of the world that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Which activity is best for children to develop themselves, joining in a sport team, doing community service, or travelling to other cities? . v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
286 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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