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Whether to be satisfied with the poor conditions in life or attempt to better it has long been the matter of debate Although some people think that accepting what the life give them is the safe choice I do advocate the perspective that they should strive v.1

Whether to be satisfied with the poor conditions in life or attempt to better it has long been the matter of debate Although some people think that accepting what the life give them is the safe choice I do advocate the perspective that they should strive v. 1
While some believe that education of history is significant in school curriculum, others think that Science and technology are more worthy subjects. Both views will be discussed, and I opine that the former view is more persuasive. On the one hand, Science and Technology are considered the most principal subjects by some people. First of all, these subjects created a lot of development of society and economic benefits. To be specific, these two spheres have an advantageous impacts on all sections of our lives, such as food, housing, life span and so on. It is not overstatement to say that they determine the rise and fall of human life. Secondly, practically, if people can have the skills concerning science and technology, they can acquire good jobs more easily. In recent years, the structure of the world economy has consisted of the industries based on science and technology. On the other hand, some people insist that history is an essential school course. First and foremost, devising new products start from studying knowledge of human history. This means that many inventors have found ideas of inventions and innovations from the past events and previous inventions. They sometimes create new products by being advanced scientific relics. Moreover, people can be taught about politics and culture and philosophy of history. In other words, they can obtain the right perspectives of humanities from ancestor's wisdom by learning history. They are not able to be satisfied with only physical and materialistic fulfilment. In conclusion, although some argue that Science and Technology is the crucial education, I think that History is also as important as these two subjects. Hence, history education should be enhanced in the school curriculum.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that education of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is significant in school curriculum, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are more worthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Both views will
be discussed
, and I opine that the former view is more persuasive.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
are considered
the most principal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
development of society and economic benefits. To be specific, these two spheres have an advantageous
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "impact"?
impacts
on all sections of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, such as food, housing, life span and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. It is not overstatement to say that they determine the rise and fall of human life.
Secondly
,
practically
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
concerning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, they can acquire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs more
easily
. In recent years, the structure of the world economy has consisted of the industries based on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and technology.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
insist that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is an essential school course.
First
and foremost, devising new products
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
from studying knowledge of human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. This means that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
inventors have found
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of inventions and innovations from the past
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and previous inventions. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
create new products by
being advanced
scientific relics.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be taught
about politics and culture and philosophy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
In other words
, they can obtain the right perspectives of humanities from ancestor's wisdom by learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. They are not able to
be satisfied
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physical and materialistic
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
is the crucial education, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
History
is
also
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
education should
be enhanced
in the school curriculum.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Whether to be satisfied with the poor conditions in life or attempt to better it has long been the matter of debate Although some people think that accepting what the life give them is the safe choice I do advocate the perspective that they should strive v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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