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Where would you like to go to spend a vacation? Describe this place and say why you would like to holiday there. v.1

Where would you like to go to spend a vacation? Describe this place and say why you would like to holiday there. v. 1
There is no doubt about the enormous danger that smoking causes to human health and the chunk of resources it takes from the medical services. It is thought by some that this habit can be tackled by making it a crime. This approach would potentially help improve life expectancy and release funds to be expended on other areas of the economy but the disadvantages also have to be considered. One major benefit of making smoking an offence is that it would result in having a healthier citizenry. Smoking is considered by medical experts to be the leading cause of cancer of the lungs in people. Making it a crime would be a way of government protecting its people. Also, there would be less strain on resources used in the health sector. Money that previously would have been allocated to that industry can then be used for meeting more pressing needs, such as infrastructure and education. A potential drawback of criminalizing smoking is the level of resources that would be required to implement and convict offenders. Considering how addictive a habit like smoking is, it would take a lot of monitoring to ensure compliance. This would have to be funded by tax payers’ money which could be used for other more beneficial projects. Secondly, this policy would mean that companies that currently work in that industry would need to close down their factories or change completely their line of production. This would not only lead to loss of jobs by employees, but also the loss of revenue to authorities in the form of taxes. Therefore, instead of making smoking illegal, other approaches may be considered. For example, the state can sensitize the public about the potential health hazards caused by smoking. Another strategy would be to increase consumption taxes on tobacco products. This would make it more expensive and potentially deter those that cannot afford it. In conclusion, although banning smoking has its advantages, it would have huge detrimental implications on the economy. Educating the public about the risks and making cigarettes unaffordable can be also be given a consideration.
There is no doubt about the enormous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
causes to human health and the chunk of resources it takes from the medical services. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that this habit can
be tackled
by making it a crime. This approach would
potentially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
life expectancy and release funds to
be expended
on other areas of the economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the disadvantages
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be considered
.

One major benefit of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
is that it would result in having a healthier citizenry.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Smoking
is considered
by medical experts to be the leading cause of cancer of the lungs in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Making it a crime would be a way of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
protecting its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Also
, there would be less strain on resources
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the health sector. Money that previously would have
been allocated
to that industry can then be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for meeting more pressing needs, such as infrastructure and education.

A potential drawback of criminalizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is the level of resources that would
be required
to implement and convict offenders. Considering how addictive a habit like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is, it would take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
monitoring to ensure compliance. This would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be funded
by tax payers’ money which could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for other more beneficial projects.
Secondly
, this policy would mean that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that
currently
work in that industry would need to close down their factories or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
completely their line of production. This would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lead to loss of jobs by employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the loss of revenue to authorities in the form of taxes.

Therefore
,
instead
of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
illegal, other approaches may
be considered
.
For example
, the state can sensitize the public about the potential health hazards caused by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
. Another strategy would be to increase consumption taxes on tobacco products. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it more expensive and
potentially
deter those that cannot afford it.

In conclusion
, although banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
has its advantages, it would have huge detrimental implications on the economy. Educating the public about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and making cigarettes unaffordable can be
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a consideration.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Where would you like to go to spend a vacation? Describe this place and say why you would like to holiday there. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
349 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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