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When travelling, some people prefer to reach the destination directly. Someothers prefer to stop and look around the scenery along the way. What kindof way of travelling do you think is better and why? v.1

When travelling, some people prefer to reach the destination directly. Someothers prefer to stop and look around the scenery along the way. What kindof way of travelling do you think is better and why? v. 1
Why do many smart people become jobless? In almost all parts of the world, the number of qualified graduates increases significantly, but many of them have no jobs yet. Personally, this shows an indication of slowing economic growth, so the best way to overcome this problem is the government should attract more investors to start up businesses in the country. The growing numbers of certified graduates who do not have works depict low prosperity, especially in the country's economy. If a country faces this situation, it will impact on the availability of employment. For example, according to a daily newspaper, Indonesia has around 700, 000 graduations that still struggle to find jobs since the economic growth does not achieve the target due to lack of investment from other countries. This demonstrates how economic growth contributes to the unemployment of highly qualified scholars. However, this does not mean that it cannot be tackled. The best step that should be done by the authority to reduce unemployment is by inviting many new shareholders from abroad to open multinational companies in its own state. For instance, Dubai, the largest and most populous city in the United Arab Emirates, has succeeded in making international investors invest their money, so it causes an economic improvement in this country. By that, Dubai had constructed and attracted world attention through large construction projects and sports events, in particular, the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa. This leads to a decrease in the number of many highly qualified graduates without employment. To sum up, even though many people who have graduated from tertiary are still jobless, I believe that the government ought to cooperate with other investors from overseas to develop economic growth.
Why do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
smart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
become jobless?

In almost all parts of the world, the number of qualified graduates increases
significantly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them have no jobs
yet
.
Personally
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
an indication of slowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the best way to overcome this problem is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should attract more investors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
up businesses in the country.

The growing numbers of certified graduates who do not have works depict low prosperity,
especially
in the country's economy. If a country faces this situation, it will impact on the availability of employment.
For example
, according to a daily newspaper, Indonesia has around 700, 000 graduations that
still
struggle to find jobs since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
does not achieve the target due to lack of investment from other countries. This demonstrates how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
contributes to the unemployment of
highly
qualified scholars.

However
, this does not mean that it cannot
be tackled
. The best step that should
be done
by the authority to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
unemployment is by inviting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new shareholders from abroad to open multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
state.
For instance
, Dubai, the largest and most populous city in the United Arab Emirates, has succeeded in making international investors invest their money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it causes an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
improvement in this country. By that, Dubai had constructed and attracted world attention through large construction projects and sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
,
in particular
, the world's tallest building, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Burj
Khalifa. This leads to a decrease in the number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
highly
qualified graduates without employment.

To sum up,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have graduated from tertiary are
still
jobless, I believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ought to cooperate with other investors from overseas to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay When travelling, some people prefer to reach the destination directly. Someothers prefer to stop and look around the scenery along the way. What kindof way of travelling do you think is better and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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