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When people success, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

When people success, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success. v. 2
Greek famous philosopher says that “hard working, success and luck these are like a cycles that always in rotation”. However, hardworking is necessary to be a successful person in your life. On the other hand, luck is important some people do their duties by luck they are really lucky persons and they can do everything and at the end they are successful. On the other hand, I believe when people are success that they do hardworking. Hardworking make us powerful persons in future. So, persons with hardworking they can have a bright future and they well become important persons. First of all, when we discus about success. So, we should express some reasons. All famous leaders, managers, philosophers, they do hardworking at the beginning of their life. For instance, I want explain my studying life. At the first, I started my studying at the school and after 12 years that is finished. However, after school I stared my education at Economics University besides my studying I searched for a part time job. So, I find a job at a private organization as admin assistant and they paid me 100 $ per month. However, I must say that success without hardworking is nothing. So, I believe that people are successful, because they working hard. Second, luck is important. But, without hardworking it is nothing and worthless or we cannot find that serious. In Persian language people have a proverb that say “witch is bring by wind, which well go with wind”. However, many grate people from different countries they believe that for a bright and big future people must hardworking in every parts of life. For instance, students if they like to be good managers or Economist they should studying hard and using from different sources like internet, books and universities professors. Without hard working they cannot have bright future and they should do sample jobs in restaurants or motels. However, I have an advice for all students or people if you want success you must working hard. I believe for hard working. Next, when people do hardworking. In fact, they are powerful persons. So, they well become important persons in their life in future. Once they well shiny as sun and can face with big problem and solve that easy. On the other hand, people how do their jobs by luck I believe they are not powerful persons and they cannot face with challenges of life they well brook against that. However, I strongly believe that people well achieve success with hardworking not with luck. So, hardworking is the best for success. To sum up, many philosophers from different countries they believe that hardworking is helpful for all people, because they can have bright future, people with hardworking are powerful against the challenge of life and they well be important persons in future life. However, I strongly advice all people especially students be hard work persons. It is helpful and increase your strength and make you ready for future.
Greek
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
philosopher says that “
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and luck these are like
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a cycle" or simply "cycles"?
a cycles
that always in rotation”.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
is necessary to be a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
in your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
On the other hand
, luck is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do their duties by luck they are
really
lucky
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
persons and
they can do everything and at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
they are successful.
On the other hand
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
that they do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Hardworking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
they can have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bright
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
persons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'we'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
we discus
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we should express
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons. All
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
leaders, managers, philosophers, they do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
at the beginning of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
, I want
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. At the
first
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
at the school and after 12 years that
is finished
.
However
, after school I stared my education at Economics University
besides
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
I searched for a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at a private organization as admin
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
assistant and
they paid me
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$100".
100 $
per month.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
is nothing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are successful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

Second, luck is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
it is nothing and
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
worthless or
we cannot find that serious. In Persian language
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a proverb that say “witch is bring by wind, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
wind”.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
grate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bright
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "part"?
parts
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
, students if they like to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
managers or Economist they should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "study"
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
and using from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sources like internet, books and universities professors. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
they cannot have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bright
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
they should do sample
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in restaurants or motels.
However
, I have
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "advice".
an advice
for all students or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
if you want
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
for
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
.

Next
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
. In fact, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. Once they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
shiny as sun and can face with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problem and solve that easy.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
how do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
by luck I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
they are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
powerful
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
persons and
they cannot face with challenges of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
brook against that.
However
, I
strongly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
not with luck.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
is the best for success.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
philosophers from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
is helpful for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bright
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hardworking
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
powerful
against the challenge of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, I
strongly
advice all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
especially
students be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
. It is helpful and increase your strength and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you ready for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
102Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
22Mistakes

IELTS essay When people success, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
499 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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