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What would you change to improve your health? 1. Food quality2. The amount of exercise in your life3. The amount of stress in your life v.2

What would you change to improve your health? 1. Food quality2. The amount of exercise in your life3. The amount of stress in your life v. 2
Some people think that increasing food quality or decreasing the amount of stress is better to improve health rather than increasing the amount of exercise, while others do not. If forced to choose one over others, my resolute standpoint is definitely line with increasing the amount of exercise. There are several reasons as follows. First of all, exercising can help people improve their physical health. When people’s bodies heat up during exercise, their bodies are likely to generate more white blood cells. An increase in more white blood cells could strengthen the immune system. For example, my youngest brother used to be overweight and lazy. Although he tried to eat vegetables to get a healthier eating habits, the effect was temporary. Also, even though he mediated thirty minutes every morning to mange his stress level, he could not solve his fundamental health problem. However, he could improve his physical health after he increased jogging time every morning from thirty minutes to an hour. As a result, he could lose weight and even gain some muscle mass with a higher resistance to diseases. In addition, when people do exercise, it can contribute to an increase in their mental health. Since exercising takes lots of energy, it can help them to improve their shapes, and thus they feel confident about themselves. A higher confidence prevents them from feeling inferior to others. For instance, when my sister was in high school. She often felt depressed and powerless thinking that she was not attractive. However, she could get over such feelings by losing twenty pounds through enjoying tennis. By doing this, she could see positive results she contributed to. Naturally, many people around her started to respect her, allowing her to be confident, optimistic, and strong. All in all, I strongly believe that the advantages of increasing the amount of exercising far outweigh those of other options such as food quality and managing stress level for the reasons I have mentioned above.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
food quality or decreasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
is better to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, while others do not. If forced
Did you mean "choosing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to choose
one over others, my resolute standpoint is definitely
Consider using a past participle here: "lined".
line
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. There are several reasons as follows.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, exercising can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
bodies heat up during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, their bodies are likely to generate more white blood cells. An increase in more white blood cells could strengthen the immune system.
For example
, my youngest brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be overweight and lazy. Although he tried to eat vegetables to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a healthier eating habits, the effect was temporary.
Also
,
even though
he mediated thirty minutes every morning to mange his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level, he could not solve his fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problem.
However
, he could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
his physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
after he increased jogging time every morning from thirty minutes to an hour.
As a result
, he could lose weight and even gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
muscle mass with a higher resistance to diseases.

In addition
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, it can contribute to an increase in their mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Since exercising takes lots of energy, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their shapes, and
thus
they feel confident about themselves. A higher confidence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from feeling inferior to others.
For instance
, when my sister was in high school. She
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
felt depressed and powerless thinking that she was not attractive.
However
, she could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
over such feelings by losing twenty pounds through enjoying tennis. By doing this, she could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
results she contributed to.
Naturally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to respect her, allowing her to be confident, optimistic, and strong.

All in all, I
strongly
believe that the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of exercising far outweigh those of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
options such as food quality and managing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level for the reasons I have mentioned above.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay What would you change to improve your health? 1. Food quality2. The amount of exercise in your life3. The amount of stress in your life v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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