Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

What would you change to improve your health? 1. Food quality2. The amount of exercise in your life3. The amount of stress in your life v.1

What would you change to improve your health? 1. Food quality2. The amount of exercise in your life3. The amount of stress in your life v. 1
In most of the countries, people often retire once they cross 60. Although certain persons believe that the elderly ought to work after the age of 60, there are others who oppose this view, saying it causes various problems for the young generation. I agree with the latter notion due to a couple of reasons, which I will discuss further. First of all, if elder people are allowed to work even after the age of retirement, young employees or fresh graduates would be deprived of significant opportunities in various job sectors. In other words, an organisation might not take them as they would be lacking in work experience, technical skills, analytical skills, etc. , as opposed to an experienced senior employee. Not only this, a fresher will not be able to get promotions in a respected company. For instance, a 2011 survey conducted in the US where a fraction of older persons was allowed to work after the age of 60 showed that various young employees were deprived of diverse job opportunities in the market. Secondly, the elder person becomes a burden to his young family. As it is quite expensive to make ends meet, he will become financially dependent on his young children. As as result, the youngsters find it difficult to bear the expenses of their retired fathers, as it would be both financial and mental burden for them. For example, in 2010 an article published in the New York Times reported that a mere 40% of the young population in the US itself could financially support their retired family members. Conversely, there are others who advocate that a person ought to be allowed to work even after he crosses the age of 60. One such reason is the job skill such elderly people have. In other words, they contributed their lives to the organisations, and thereby, they also possess massive amounts of technical skills required for the company. But this is not a strong argument as the young generation of today's world tend to have varied job skills and talent, as soon as they complete their graduations. This problem could be curbed by the respected senior managers and directors in an organisation by taking in more of these young talents. Thus, after analysis, this drawback is not that discouraging as it may seem. To conclude, I agree with the fact that people should not be allowed to work after the age of retirement, as it will pose problems for younger people, such as deprivation of jobs and other financial issues.
In most of the countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
retire once they cross 60. Although certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
believe that the elderly ought to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60, there are others who oppose this view, saying it causes various problems for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter notion due to a couple of reasons, which I will discuss
further
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, if elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
even after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retirement,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employees or fresh graduates would
be deprived
of significant opportunities in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sectors. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
might not take them as they would be lacking in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience, technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, analytical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
as opposed to an experienced senior employee. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this, a fresher will not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotions in a respected
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
For instance
, a 2011 survey conducted in the US where a fraction of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employees
were deprived
of diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities in the market.

Secondly
, the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
becomes a burden to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
family. As it is quite expensive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
, he will become
financially
dependent on his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children.
Possible typo: you repeated a word
As as
result, the youngsters find it difficult to bear the expenses of their retired fathers, as it would be both financial and mental burden for them.
For example
, in 2010 an article published in the New York Times reported that a mere 40% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
population in the US itself could
financially
support their retired family members.

Conversely
, there are others who advocate that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
ought to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
even after he crosses the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60. One such reason is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
such elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they contributed their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
, and thereby, they
also
possess massive amounts of technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
required for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this is not a strong argument as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world tend to have varied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and talent, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as they complete their graduations. This problem could
be curbed
by the respected senior managers and directors in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
by taking in more of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
talents.
Thus
, after analysis, this drawback is not that discouraging as it may seem.

To conclude
, I
Consider using "agree that".
agree with the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retirement, as it will pose problems for younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, such as deprivation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
financial issues.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay What would you change to improve your health? 1. Food quality2. The amount of exercise in your life3. The amount of stress in your life v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
423 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts