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What was the most memorable event in high school? Give reasons why and include details and examples in your explanation. v.1

What was the most memorable event in high school? Give reasons why and include details and examples in your explanation. v. 1
Smoking not only leads to health problems for the smoker, but also for people close by, hence smoking should not be allowed in public places. Although there are arguments on both sides, I agree that a ban is the most appropriate course of action. To begin with, opponents of such a ban argue against it for several reasons. Firstly, they say that passive smokers make the choice to breathe in other people’s smoke by going to places where it is allowed. If they would prefer not to smoke passively, then they do not need to visit places where smoking is permitted. For instance, a young adult would be affected by smoking fumes only when he visits a club house or is found around active smokers. Secondly, they believe a ban would possibly drive many bars and pubs out of business as smokers would not go there anymore. To illustrate, a survey amongst bars revealed that an active campaign against smoking led to the closure of most pubs were smoking is allowed because, the rate of patronage declined. However, there are more convincing arguments in favour of a ban. First and foremost, it has been proven that tobacco consists of carcinogenic compounds which cause serious harm to a person’s health, not only the smoker. Anyone around them can develop cancers of the lungs, mouth and throat, and other sites in the body therefore, It is simply not fair to impose this upon another person. For example, it was recorded in a health journal that passive smokers are at a greater risk of developing respiratory ailments, thus public smoking should be discouraged. In conclusion, it is clear that it should be made illegal to smoke in public places. This would improve the health of several people, which is definitely a positive development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Smoking
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems for the smoker,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
close by,
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. Although there are arguments on both sides, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
is the most appropriate course of action.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, opponents of such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
argue against it for several reasons.
Firstly
, they say that passive smokers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the choice to breathe in other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s smoke by going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
where it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
. If they
Consider removing 'would'. (Usually, 'would' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless to make a request or give a polite order.)
would prefer
not to smoke
passively
, then they do not need to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is permitted
.
For instance
, a young adult would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
fumes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when he visits a club
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or
is found
around active smokers.
Secondly
, they believe a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
would
possibly
drive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
bars and pubs out of business as smokers would not go there anymore. To illustrate, a survey amongst bars revealed that an active campaign against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
led to the closure of most pubs were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, the rate of patronage declined.

However
, there are more convincing arguments in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
.
First
and foremost, it has
been proven
that tobacco consists of carcinogenic compounds which cause serious harm to a person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the smoker. Anyone around them can develop cancers of the lungs, mouth and throat, and other sites in the body
therefore
, It is
simply
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to impose this upon another person.
For example
, it
was recorded
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
journal that passive smokers are at a greater
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of developing respiratory ailments,
thus
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should
be discouraged
.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that it should
be made
illegal to smoke in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which is definitely a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay What was the most memorable event in high school? Give reasons why and include details and examples in your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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