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Talk about a pleasant and memorable event that happened while you were in school. Explain why this event brings back fond memories. v.1

Talk about a pleasant and memorable event that happened while you were in school. Explain why this event brings back fond memories. v. 1
Nowadays, a rising number of people continue to eat fast food, which may cause serious health problems. Same people are convinced that the only key to solving this issue is to forbid permanently them. In my opinion, I think that renewing their menu with a healthier one could be a right solution. However, I also believe that individuals should be more responsible for their diet. Firstly, the large turnout in fast food is mainly due to the wide range and advertisements. Many people suggest eliminating fatter dishes in the menu by replacing them with healthier ones, this would be a great help in reducing population health problems. Also, in this way bigger companies like McDonalds, KFC and Burger King would not lose part of their profits. Now, the average person in the whole world goes to fast food restaurants twice a week, which is too much to counteract health issues. Another point to consider is that many people do not follow a proper diet that provides a right portion of each micronutrient. However, the individual will alone is not enough to achieve that goal, therefore in order to reduce these kind of issues, governments should be able to help the population by introducing commercials and awareness campaigns. As a result, citizens will be more likely to be involved in following a balanced diet. In conclusion, to deal with the increasing number of fast food eaters, companies should encourage the quality of food whereas individuals should be urged to replace their food habits with healthier ones.
Nowadays, a rising number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, which may cause serious health problems. Same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are convinced
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
key to solving this issue is to forbid
permanently
them. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that renewing their menu with a healthier one could be a right solution.
However
, I
also
believe that individuals should be more responsible for their diet.

Firstly
, the large turnout in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
mainly
due to the wide range and advertisements.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest eliminating fatter dishes in the menu by replacing them with healthier ones, this would be a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in reducing population health problems.
Also
, in this way bigger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
like
Did you mean the fast food chain "McDonald's" (always spelled with a possessive apostrophe)?
McDonalds
, KFC and Burger King would not lose part of their profits.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, the average person in the whole world goes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants twice a week, which is too much to counteract health issues.

Another point to consider is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not follow a proper diet that provides a right portion of each micronutrient.
However
, the individual will alone is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to achieve that goal,
therefore
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of issues,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the population by introducing commercials and awareness campaigns.
As a result
, citizens will be more likely to
be involved
in following a balanced diet.

In conclusion
, to deal with the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
eaters,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should encourage the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
whereas individuals should
be urged
to replace their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
habits with healthier ones.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Talk about a pleasant and memorable event that happened while you were in school. Explain why this event brings back fond memories. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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