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What is the most important decision that you have made in your life? Why is it important to you? Use specific examples and details to support your explanation. v.1

What is the most important decision that you have made in your life? Why is it important to you? Use specific examples and details to support your explanation. v. 1
The Essay: With the advent of technology, computers has gained a lot of popularity amongst all the age groups and that is why these days children commonly sit in front of computers to play games instead of sports. According to me, there are a several factors behind this phenomenon, nevertheless, playing computer games compared to sports is more of a disadvantage. Firstly, in this modern era, parents have a hectic schedule in both personal as well as professional life and hence, they cannot pay much attention to their children. Nonetheless, they try to provide them with all the facilities and gadgets under one roof but restrict outdoor activities. For example, my cousin brother and his wife are working and always prevent their children from going outside for security reasons. Secondly, children spend 6 to 7 hours in school and extra tuition for 1 to 2 hours and therefore they get the meagre amount of time, which they prefer to spend at home playing games on electronic devices rather than going and playing out. Moreover, nowadays playgrounds are very less and sometimes children have to travel a lot to reach the same. However, playing games on computers can weaken the eyesight of children, which may slacken their growth in the study. In addition to this, there is no physical activity involved while playing with gadgets and thus it may cause of harmful diseases such as high blood pressure and heart attack. Though, digital games sharpen the mind of children very rapidly compared to other games. Besides, it increases their intelligence quotient. In conclusion, it is true that nowadays children spend much time on computers to play games rather than sports which is primarily due to security reasons as well as lack of parents’ time. Nonetheless, playing games on the computer may hinder the holistic growth of children though it sharpens their mind.
The Essay: With the advent of technology, computers has gained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
popularity amongst all the age groups and
that is
why these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
commonly
sit in front of computers to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of sports.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, there are a several factors behind this phenomenon,
nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
compared to sports is more of a disadvantage.

Firstly
, in this modern era, parents have a hectic schedule in both personal
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
professional life and
hence
, they cannot pay much attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Nonetheless, they try to provide them with all the facilities and gadgets under one roof
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
restrict outdoor activities.
For example
, my cousin brother and his wife are working and always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from going outside for security reasons.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend 6 to 7 hours in school and extra tuition for 1 to 2 hours and
therefore
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'meagre' is British English.
meagre
amount of time, which they prefer to spend at home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on electronic devices
rather
than going and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
out.
Moreover
, nowadays playgrounds are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
travel a lot to reach the same.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computers can weaken the eyesight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which may slacken their growth in the study.
In addition
to this, there is no physical activity involved while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
with gadgets and
thus
it may cause of harmful diseases such as high blood pressure and heart attack.
“Though” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Though
, digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
sharpen the mind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rapidly
compared to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Besides
, it increases their intelligence quotient.

In conclusion
, it is true that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend much time on computers to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
rather
than sports which is
primarily
due to security reasons
as well
as lack of parents’ time. Nonetheless,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on the computer may hinder the holistic growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
though it sharpens their mind.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay What is the most important decision that you have made in your life? Why is it important to you? Use specific examples and details to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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