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What is the most efficient type of transportation in your country? Explain why youthink it is efficient. Include specific reasons or examples. v.2

What is the most efficient type of transportation in your country? Explain why youthink it is efficient. Include specific reasons or examples. v. 2
Most of the children spend their spare time on playing games or some other entertainments while some people argue that they should devote more time to reading books rather than having fun. From my point of view, I am in favour of the opinion that children should spend their time reading books. On the one hand, children are not good at self-control which means they are easily to be led to astray. For instance, they are easy to indulge in games or some other entertainments, as a result, they will have bad performance in their study and daily life. However, It's also a kind of way of reducing stress. Children should have their ways to release their pressure. Therefore, it is important for children to keep the balance. On the other hand, reading stories is beneficial to children's development. There are several advantages accounting for it. Firstly, at the age of children, reading books is a kind of way of learning the world. They read the stories and get inspired, which benefits themselves a lot. Besides, reading stories can help them cultivate the habit of reading books, which is a partner of lifelong learning. What's more, reading is a way of living seriously. It means when you get worried or confused, you can always read feeling peace and find the answers of life, which is a soft but smart way of curing yourself. Consequently, it's great for children to read books rather than play games. To summarise, we can't deny that everyone should have time for relaxing. Hence, parents should help children manage their time for games. Meanwhile, children should develop the habit of reading and devote themselves to reading stories.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on playing games or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other entertainments while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that they should devote more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
rather
than having fun. From my point of view, I am in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
books.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at self-control which means they are
easily
to
be led
to astray.
For instance
, they are easy to indulge in games or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other entertainments,
as a result
, they will have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
performance in their study and daily life.
However
, It's
also
a kind of way of reducing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should have their ways to release their pressure.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the balance.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
is beneficial to children's development. There are several advantages accounting for it.
Firstly
, at the age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
is a kind of way of learning the world. They read the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
inspired, which benefits themselves a lot.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them cultivate the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, which is a partner of lifelong learning. What's more,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
is a way of living
seriously
. It means when you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worried or confused, you can always read feeling peace and find the answers of life, which is a soft
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
smart way of curing yourself.
Consequently
, it's great for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to read
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
rather
than play games.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, we can't deny that everyone should have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for relaxing.
Hence
, parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for games. Meanwhile,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should develop the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
and devote themselves to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay What is the most efficient type of transportation in your country? Explain why youthink it is efficient. Include specific reasons or examples. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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