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As a part of education, students should spend a period of time living in another country to learn its language and culture. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

As a part of education, students should spend a period of time living in another country to learn its language and culture. v. 1
Nowadays, working consumes more hours than our daily lives which results in a few hours. Thus, people spend that time on their favourite activities in which they may believe that is the way of relaxing and discovery of new things. Indeed, it is supposed to be regarded as a vital part of their daily life. Therefore, long-working period is likely to be harmful for their relaxation and their growth of inventiveness. Processing some task which takes up some time may be stressful throughout the day. People who focus on certain things tend to lose focus which their energy are being drained along the way. For instance, students who study until late night have difficulties to find what they really into. In fact, they may have to carry parents' expectations in a competitive environment which gives the sense of high pressure. Consequently, the stress would be increased as well as the level of creativity. On the other hand, working is not essential for everyone. In a vast majority of cases, there are breaks between sessions such as lunch break and tea break. People can take a breath while it is considered as taking a rest. In other cases, which is professional work, people can possibly set up an agenda in advance which requires a suitable idea. Thus, such management can boost their creativity. In conclusion, there may be a free slot for hobbies in a busy day if it has been managed wisely while it is better to have a flexible schedule for other things. Having loose periods can reduce the level of seriousness and the creativity by enjoying what they like to do. Therefore, working on a long term cause more issues than normal working conditions.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
consumes more hours than our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
which results in a few hours.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend that time on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
activities in which they may believe
that is
the way of relaxing and discovery of new things.
Indeed
, it
is supposed
to
be regarded
as a vital part of their daily life.
Therefore
, long-working period is likely to be harmful for their relaxation and their growth of inventiveness.

Processing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
task which takes up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time may be stressful throughout the day.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who focus on certain things tend to lose focus which their energy are
being drained
along the way.
For instance
, students who study until late night have difficulties to find what they
really
into. In fact, they may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
carry parents' expectations in a competitive environment which gives the sense of high pressure.
Consequently
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
would
be increased
as well
as the level of creativity.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is not essential for everyone. In a vast majority of cases, there are breaks between sessions such as lunch break and tea break.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can take a breath while it
is considered
as taking a rest. In other cases, which is professional work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
possibly
set up an agenda in advance which requires a suitable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
Thus
, such management can boost their creativity.

In conclusion
, there may be a free slot for hobbies in a busy day if it has
been managed
wisely
while it is better to have a flexible schedule for other things. Having loose periods can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the level of seriousness and the creativity by enjoying what they like to do.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
on a long term cause more issues than normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
conditions.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay As a part of education, students should spend a period of time living in another country to learn its language and culture. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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