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We live today in an electronic information age. It is easier to be connected by technology yet many people seem no closer to feeling happy in their lives. Discuss. v.1

We live today in an electronic information age. It is easier to be connected by technology yet many people seem no closer to feeling happy in their lives. Discuss. v. 1
Some would argue that television is beneficial only for amusement, while others believe that it is a useful educational tool. Although some programs can be informative and educational, I think it is more useful for entertainment because it is a better way to relax. On the one hand, some people say that television can help in learning because it displays information attractively. These days the primary TV spectators are children and many channels broadcasts, several documentaries, and educational programs that engage the young viewer. Usually, the programs contain such pictures, graphics, and sound effects that can make learning more enjoyable. In this way, knowledge will be more comprehensive and consolidated in young brains. For example, recent research has revealed that around 60% of the young generation in the U. K. gained interest in what profession to pursue in adult life from television shows. However, I believe that such programs are limited, and television is designed mainly for amusing purposes. On the other hand, some think that television is only for enjoyment because viewers have access to a considerable variety of channels. Likewise, TV is designated in the first place to make people happy and relax in their spare time. Therefore, the majority of its content is entertaining. If people watch a comedy show or a movie after a long day of work, their stress levels will reduce. Hence they will be able to recharge their batteries for the next working day. For instance, a recent survey by The Sunday Times, in India found that over 70%of people watch television and movie channels in the evening to relax. Therefore, I believe that television is an excellent way to relax. In conclusion, although television programs might be valuable as an educational resource because it fascinatingly displays information, I believe that more benefits are obtained when it is used for enjoyment because it aired many entertaining shows.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is beneficial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for amusement, while others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is a useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
tool. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
can be informative and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is more useful for entertainment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a better way to relax.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it displays information
attractively
. These days the primary TV spectators are children and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
channels broadcasts, several documentaries, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
that engage the young viewer.
Usually
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
contain such pictures, graphics, and sound effects that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
learning more enjoyable. In this way, knowledge will be more comprehensive and consolidated in young brains.
For example
, recent research has revealed that around 60% of the young generation in the U. K. gained interest in what profession to pursue in adult life from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
are limited
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is designed
mainly
for amusing purposes.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for enjoyment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
viewers have access to a considerable variety of channels.
Likewise
, TV
is designated
in the
first
place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy and relax in their spare time.
Therefore
, the majority of its content is entertaining. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a comedy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
or a movie after a long day of work, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
levels will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
they will be able to recharge their batteries for the
next
working day.
For instance
, a recent survey by The Sunday Times, in India found that over 70%of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and movie channels in the evening to relax.
Therefore
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is an excellent way to relax.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
might be valuable as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
resource
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
fascinatingly
displays information, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that more benefits
are obtained
when it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for enjoyment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it aired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
entertaining
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay We live today in an electronic information age. It is easier to be connected by technology yet many people seem no closer to feeling happy in their lives. Discuss. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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