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Which is more important for a leader: the ability to win an argument about an issue, or the ability to help others come to an argument about an issue? Use specific reasons and examples. v.1

Which is more important for a leader: the ability to win an argument about an issue, or the ability to help others come to an argument about an issue? Use specific reasons and examples. v. 1
Some would argue that teenagers should be given money as a gift, while others oppose it. While money could fulfil some of their essential needs, I believe that youngsters could misuse it to buy materials that have a negative impact on them if given as a present. On the one hand, when youth between 13 to 19 are availed of a certain amount of finance, they could use it to spend on some of their important necessities. This is to say that there are certain items that they need but are ashamed of asking it to their parents or relatives. For example, girls in Nepal are hesitant to discuss about their puberty and ashamed of their natural menstruation cycle, which forces them to use old clothes as a sanitary pad, that may contain bacteria, instead of safer products available in the market. However, I believe that most mothers are open about these things with their teenage daughters and provide such items without being asked. On the other hand, youngsters use the money, given as a present, to purchase an unnecessary item that may pose a negative effect. This means youth think that gifted money is to fulfil their personal desire and they are not required to explain their parents where they have spent that amount. Consequently, they may end up buying the materials they are not supposed to have or use. For example, a recent survey revealed that 30% of the teens in the USA spend their extra pocket money to buy illegal medicines; so a financial gift would only encourage them to do more and others to start. Therefore, allowing teenagers to own money as a gift tend them to use it in a subject that may have a detrimental effect on them. In conclusion, although the financial gift is crucial for some teenagers because it enables them to purchase an item that is extremely important for them, I believe that most of them would misuse it in the product that have an adverse result on them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
, while others oppose it. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could fulfil
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their essential needs, I believe that youngsters could misuse it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
materials that have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on them if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
as a present.

On the one hand, when youth
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 13 and 19".
between 13 to 19
are availed
of a certain amount of finance, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to spend on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
necessities. This is to say that there are certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
that they need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are ashamed
of asking it to their parents or relatives.
For example
, girls in Nepal are hesitant to
Did you mean simply "discuss their"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about their
puberty and ashamed of their natural menstruation cycle, which forces them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
clothes as a sanitary pad, that may contain bacteria,
instead
of safer products available in the market.
However
, I believe that most mothers are open about these things with their teenage daughters and provide such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
without
being asked
.

On the other hand
, youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
as a present, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
an unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
item
that may pose a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect. This means youth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that gifted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is to fulfil their personal
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
desire and
they are not required to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
their parents where they have spent that amount.
Consequently
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up buying the materials they are not supposed to have or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
For example
, a recent survey revealed that 30% of the teens in the USA spend their extra pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
illegal medicines;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
a financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
encourage them to do more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
.
Therefore
, allowing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
tend them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it in a subject that may have a detrimental effect on them.

In conclusion
, although the financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
is crucial for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it enables them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
item
that is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for them, I believe that most of them would misuse it in the product that have an adverse result on them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Which is more important for a leader: the ability to win an argument about an issue, or the ability to help others come to an argument about an issue? Use specific reasons and examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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