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The chart below shows the number of visitors to the main attractions in a Europe country between 1981 and 2001. v.1

The chart below shows the number of visitors to the main attractions in a Europe country between 1981 and 2001. v. 1
It is believed that criminals commit more offences after having the first punishment. This happens due to lack of their economic stability. This problem can be curbed by providing them financial assistance and teaching them skills. Those people who had served the first penalty tend to commit more illegal acts, because they have to earn for living. The society does not accept them as respectable members after they had received a penalty in prison. This leads to less availability of highly paying job for them. Hence, they have to commit more offences to avail basic necessities. Many wrongdoer can deter to do offences after serving the first punishment by providing them help with finances. The government must provide them free entry into training centres. As an illustration, the government of Pakistan started an initiative which trains the prisoners to learn new skills. These skills help them to earn in later life rather than continue to do unethical activities. In addition, the government must allocate funds to those offenders who have served the first punishment. By stabilizing their economic status, they can be motivated not to do unlawful activities. This helps them to adjust in the society as a respectful member. Therefore, the role of the government in helping them learn skills and allocating funds for them reduces the chances of committing crimes after serving first punishment. To conclude, after serving the first punishment, offenders tend to commit more crimes. This act is due to less stability of their economic state. This issue can be solved by assisting them financially and teaching them skills.
It
is believed
that criminals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commit
more
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
after having the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
. This happens due to lack of their economic stability. This problem can
be curbed
by providing them financial assistance and teaching them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who had served the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
penalty tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commit
more illegal acts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn for living. The society does not accept them as respectable members after they had received a penalty in prison. This leads to less availability of
highly
paying job for them.
Hence
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commit
more
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
to avail
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
.

Possible agreement error. The noun wrongdoer seems to be countable; consider using: "Many wrongdoers".
Many wrongdoer
can deter to do
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
after serving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
by providing them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with finances. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
provide them free entry into training
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
. As an illustration, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of Pakistan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
an initiative which trains the prisoners to learn new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to earn in later life
rather
than continue to do unethical activities.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
allocate funds to those offenders who have served the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
. By stabilizing their economic status, they can
be motivated
not to do unlawful activities. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to adjust in the society as a respectful member.
Therefore
, the role of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
in helping them learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and allocating funds for them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the chances of committing crimes after serving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
punishment.

To conclude
, after serving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
, offenders tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commit
more crimes. This act is due to less stability of their economic state. This issue can
be solved
by assisting them
financially
and teaching them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay The chart below shows the number of visitors to the main attractions in a Europe country between 1981 and 2001. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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