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Violence among school students seems to be increasing Write a paragraph to suggest what should be done to help solve this problem v.1

Violence among school students seems to be increasing Write a paragraph to suggest what should be done to help solve this problem v. 1
Cosmetic industry becomes a highly profitable business in the world as it produces extensive varieties of lightening products attracting many costumers. This essay will address the beauty standard in the communities as the principal reason for people putting on cosmetic products with lightening agents and provides inclining health status in societies as a consequence led by this phenomenon. Several reasons can be clarified about why people apply lightening cosmetics. First of all, in some parts of the world, there is a beauty standard set by mainstream societies such as having fair skin and a light complexion considered as the ideal feature as well as an acceptable tone of the skin. Korea, for instance, defines gorgeous as having white-coloured skin and a creamy complexion. Conversely, having brown-coloured skin with dark complexion is commonly believed as unattractive and low social status. Therefore, people spend a lot of money to purchase these items and to fulfil the idea of beauty in the communities. Lightening cosmetic products are dangerous for human as they commonly contain harmful substances such as mercury. Recent research shows that the consumers of whitening-cosmetic products have a higher risk to develop various malignancies such as skin cancer. Consequently, in years to come, a decrease in people’s physical well-being is unavoidable, and this eventually raising health insurance claims covered by the government. To sum up, an intention to be accepted in a community having a certain beauty criterion is the main motive of people wearing lightning cosmetic products and the health-related consequence of this trait is decreasing physical well-being of people in the community.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cosmetic
industry becomes a
highly
profitable business in the world as it produces extensive varieties of lightening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
attracting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
costumers. This essay will address the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
standard in the communities as the principal reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
putting on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cosmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
with lightening agents and provides inclining health status in societies as a consequence led by this phenomenon.

Several reasons can
be clarified
about why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
apply lightening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cosmetics
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world, there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
standard set by mainstream societies such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skin
and a light complexion considered as the ideal feature
as well
as an acceptable tone of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skin
. Korea,
for instance
, defines gorgeous as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
Possible spelling mistake found.
white-coloured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skin
and a creamy complexion.
Conversely
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
Possible spelling mistake found.
brown-coloured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skin
with dark complexion is
commonly
believed as unattractive and low social status.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
these items and to fulfil the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
in the communities.

Lightening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cosmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for human as they
commonly
contain harmful substances such as mercury. Recent research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the consumers of whitening-cosmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
have a higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to develop various malignancies such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skin
cancer.
Consequently
, in years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
, a decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
physical well-being is unavoidable, and this
eventually
raising health insurance claims covered by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

To sum up, an intention to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in a community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
criterion is the main motive of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wearing lightning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cosmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and the health-related consequence of this trait is decreasing physical well-being of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the community.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Violence among school students seems to be increasing Write a paragraph to suggest what should be done to help solve this problem v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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