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Using the information in the diagram, write a description of how a refrigerator works. You may use your own knowledge and experience in addition to the diagram. v.1

Using the information in the diagram, write a description of how a refrigerator works. You may use your own knowledge and experience in addition to the diagram. v. 1
It is generally believed that efforts should be directed towards preventing a particular disease in the first place, rather than spending time, energy and money towards providing curative treatment. Although I strongly agree with this philosophy, research towards finding out cures is also important as some medical conditions may not be easily prevented. There is no doubt that some disorders related to one’s lifestyle can be easily prevented. For example, stress related diseases like diabetes mellitus and certain cardiovascular diseases are generally caused by poor work life balance, dietary habits and sedentary lifestyle. In most cases, these medical conditions can be prevented by stress management at work, regular exercise and a balanced and healthy diet. Also, certain tropical infections like malaria and yellow fever caused by insect bites can be can be easily avoided by prophylactic vaccination when travelling. Hence, preventing such diseases can save our healthcare system a lot of financial burden. However, lifestyle diseases have now become increasingly common. In other words, a large number of people are already affected with these conditions. Even though medical research is very expensive, if it saves lives, it is worth the cost. There are also many other medical disorders that are impossible to prevent. These include genetic, congenital and auto-immune disorders. Since there are no known preventative measures for such diseases, efforts directed towards developing treatments for them can save valuable lives. For these reasons, allocating finances towards research is critical. In conclusion, for many diseases that develop as a result of faulty lifestyle, the focus must be on prevention. That said, if saving human lives is our most important goal, investment in research towards developing curative treatment of medical disorders cannot be ignored.
It is
generally
believed that efforts should
be directed
towards preventing a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
in the
first
place,
rather
than spending time, energy and money towards providing curative treatment. Although I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this philosophy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
towards finding out cures is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
conditions may not be
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
.

There is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disorders related to one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
can be
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
like diabetes mellitus and certain cardiovascular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
are
generally
caused by poor
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
work life
balance, dietary habits and sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
In most cases
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
conditions can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
management at work, regular exercise and a balanced and healthy diet.
Also
, certain tropical infections like malaria and yellow fever caused by insect bites
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "can be".
can be can be
easily
avoided by prophylactic vaccination when travelling.
Hence
, preventing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
can save our healthcare system
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
financial burden.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
become
increasingly
common.
In other words
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
with these conditions.
Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive, if it saves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, it is worth the cost. There are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
disorders that are impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
. These include genetic, congenital and auto-immune disorders. Since there are no known preventative measures for such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
, efforts directed towards developing treatments for them can save valuable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. For these reasons, allocating finances towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
is critical.

In conclusion
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
that develop
as a result
of faulty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
, the focus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be on prevention. That said, if saving human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
is our most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
goal, investment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
towards developing curative treatment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
disorders cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Using the information in the diagram, write a description of how a refrigerator works. You may use your own knowledge and experience in addition to the diagram. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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