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Using smartphone is harmful for the eye. How far do you agree? v.1

Using smartphone is harmful for the eye. How far do you agree? v. 1
Nowadays, the majority of young people have their own telephone with access to the internet. Although using these devices are harmful to their eye health, these consequences can be prevented by sparing schedule for using and smart phones can assist teenagers in their studies. Teenagers who are using telephones without any restriction can suffer from eyesight problems. This is because, screen of the telephones produces a lot of electro-magnetic waves in order to show the picture to the user. After 1 or 2 hours per day these waves can cause stress to the eye health. Consequently adolescents could lower their ability to see. For example, due to the research from WHO eyesight problems among the recent teenagers have increased compared to the past generation and these changes happened because of the development of mobile phones. However, these problems could be avoided by allowing for young people to use smart phones for a restricted time period. Teenagers can use their telephones in their study as an access to the data sources. They can quickly search for required information instead of going to the library and trying to find that data from the books. For example, students can use Wikipedia in order to find necessary information and this website known for its wide database. I believe that this makes over-consumption of smart phones advantage and they should only be used in moderation. In conclusion, while mobile phones can harm the teenager's eye health, I believe they can benefit from these devices by using them sparingly and for study purposes such as searching information on the internet.
Nowadays, the majority of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
with access to the internet. Although using these devices are harmful to their eye health, these consequences can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by sparing schedule for using and smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can assist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in their studies.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
who are using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephones
without any restriction can suffer from eyesight problems. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, screen of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephones
produces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Possible spelling mistake found.
electro-magnetic
waves in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the picture to the user. After 1 or 2 hours per day these waves can cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
to the eye health.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Consequently
adolescents could lower their ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.
For example
, due to the research from WHO eyesight problems among the recent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have increased compared to the past generation and these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
happened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the development of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
However
, these problems could
be avoided
by allowing for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for a restricted time period.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephones
in their study as
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "access".
an access
to the data sources. They can
quickly
search for required information
instead
of going to the library and trying to find that data from the books.
For example
, students can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Wikipedia in order to find necessary information and this website known for its wide database. I believe that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
over-consumption of smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
advantage and
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in moderation.

In conclusion
, while mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can harm the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
's eye health, I believe they can benefit from these devices by using them
sparingly
and for study purposes such as searching information on the internet.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Using smartphone is harmful for the eye. How far do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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