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Using points and details from the talk, describe the physical differences that animals had to adapt to when they moved from water to land. v.1

Using points and details from the talk, describe the physical differences that animals had to adapt to when they moved from water to land. v. 1
It is generally believed that the education plays a vital part in bracing young men and women for the contemporary era. Subjects such as arts and crafts and music should be removed from the syllabus in order to children to concentrate on beneficial courses such as information technology and computer science. In my opinion, the education has to make children ready for the modern period. It is obvious in today’s world we are surrounded by technology and its products. However, this does not mean that merely technology-related subjects are important. Technological literacy gained much importance than ever before with the advances in knowledge. When recruiting new employees just about every job in all sectors and industries seek individuals with a prior knowledge of technology. Moreover, possessing computer skills are no longer considered as just an advantage but an absolute necessity. Omitting other subjects from the curriculum will contribute to the development of positive science rapidly. A conducted survey suggests that the human brain is more productive when its interested in one particular issue at a time. On the other hand, artistic subjects feed our soul and lead to the development of our spiritual world. The technological subjects are already mentally demanding. Through music activities and arts the youngsters may relax themselves and enjoy their inside journey. Furthermore, in the future they can be renowned musicians and artists. In other words, some children may find aforementioned topics more interesting and be successful. In conclusion, despite positive sciences have taken over our planet there might be some children who are interested in a career apart from these. I believe that, all subjects should be stressed equally or similarly.
It is
generally
believed that the education plays a vital part in bracing young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women for the contemporary era.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Subjects
such as arts and crafts and music should
be removed
from the syllabus in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to concentrate on beneficial courses such as information technology and computer science. In my opinion, the education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
ready for the modern period. It is obvious in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world we
are surrounded
by technology and its products.
However
, this does not mean that
merely
technology-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

Technological literacy gained much importance than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
with the advances in knowledge. When recruiting new employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about every job in all sectors and industries seek individuals with a prior knowledge of technology.
Moreover
, possessing computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are no longer considered as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
an advantage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
an absolute necessity. Omitting other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
from the curriculum will contribute to the development of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
science
rapidly
. A conducted survey suggests that the human brain is more productive when its interested in one particular issue at a time.

On the other hand
, artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
feed our soul and lead to the development of our spiritual world. The technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are already mentally demanding. Through music activities and arts the youngsters may relax themselves and enjoy their inside journey.
Furthermore
, in the future they can
be renowned
musicians and artists.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may find aforementioned topics more interesting and be successful.

In conclusion
, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sciences have taken over our planet there might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
are interested
in a career apart from these. I believe that, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
equally
or
similarly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Using points and details from the talk, describe the physical differences that animals had to adapt to when they moved from water to land. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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