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Using a computer everyday may have negative effects than positive on children Do you agree or disagree v.1

Using a computer everyday may have negative effects than positive on children v. 1
Many people work for the same company all their careers. In marked contrast, others prefer just the opposite and believe it is worthier to be employed for several organisations along their working life span. To dedicate all your time working at the same company can become bored and may induce monotony in the long-term. Regularly changing the job position will allow you to make your working career more interesting, to build up an attractive curriculum and hence it will be easier to stand out and obtain a promotion. First of all, jobs in which the working time is dedicated always to the same purpose are, definitely, for those who look for stability. Such positions tend to be full-time jobs with repetitive and monotonous tasks that seldom require a high responsibility demand. However, these situations will lead to boring working days affecting productivity. For example, working for an Administration or a local council are types of jobs where the employees can work at the same organisation for the rest of their career if they win a permanent sit by passing successfully the public examinations. Almost the opposite situation occurs when one decides to change the profession periodically. These people do not have a safe future, but their working hours are more interesting and frenetic because they are always facing different and new objectives. Consequently, their attitude towards anything unknown is positive, forcing them to be innovative, because it is a real opportunity to be more prepared for a future position. For instance, fashion designers are required to have both imaginative and adaptive skills to be as much productive as possible for the brand they represent. In conclusion, the working life is really long and either for those who never change or for the ones who occasionally seek new challenges it is imperative to be sure with your commitment since they will be dedicating most of their hours at work. Nevertheless, it seems to be far more interesting to try different jobs, increase your knowledge of diverse people and finally reach an influential position.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work for the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
all their careers. In marked contrast, others prefer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the opposite and believe it is worthier to
be employed
for several
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
along their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
life span. To dedicate all your time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can become bored and may induce monotony in the long-term.
Regularly
changing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
career more interesting, to build up an attractive curriculum and
hence
it will be easier to stand out and obtain a promotion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time
is dedicated
always to the same purpose are, definitely, for those who look for stability. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
tend to be full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
with repetitive and monotonous tasks that seldom require a high responsibility demand.
However
, these situations will lead to boring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
days affecting productivity.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for an Administration or a local council are types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
where the employees can work at the same
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
for the rest of their career if they win a permanent sit by passing
successfully
the public examinations.

Almost the opposite situation occurs when one decides to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the profession
periodically
. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not have a safe future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours are more interesting and frenetic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are always facing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and new objectives.
Consequently
, their attitude towards anything unknown is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
, forcing them to be innovative,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a real opportunity to be more prepared for a future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
.
For instance
, fashion designers
are required
to have both imaginative and adaptive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to be as much productive as possible for the brand they represent.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
life is
really
long and either for those who never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
or for the ones who
occasionally
seek new challenges it is imperative to be sure with your commitment since they will be dedicating most of their hours at work.
Nevertheless
, it seems to be far more interesting to try
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, increase your knowledge of diverse
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
finally
reach an influential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Using a computer everyday may have negative effects than positive on children v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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