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Using a computer everyday may have negative effects than positive on children. Do you agree or disagree v.1

Using a computer everyday may have negative effects than positive on children. v. 1
With the technological advancements, it has been seen that computers have gained more popularity as compare to the past. Most of the people consider that excessive usage of this on a daily basis may have an adverse impact on the children. I think it has more cons than pros on the development of the child. To begin with, no doubt computer is a treasure of information and enhance mental and visual skills of the children. When children Spend most of their time on computers, then they do not get time to pursue other activities. Although, this stage of life is most essential for the growth and development, but they do not give priority to outdoor activities which directly impairs their physical growth. Furthermore, this indoor activity has not only bad impact on their eye vision, but it also weaken the muscle of hands due to its repetition. For example, it is published by the Health Organisation that addictive use of gadgets like computer gives birth to many health disorders. Moreover, children who are using electronic gadgets on a continuous basis may lack social skills. They usually hesitate to meet people as they prefer to spend their time on games and videos rather than hanging out with their near and dear ones. Thus, it brings a lack of affection between them. Besides this, these children are so indulge on this equipment and influenced by external factors like fashion, status etc. They started believing that their elders are good for nothing and develop antisocial behaviour in them. In conclusion, over usage of computer may have an adverse impact on their holistic development so it should be monitored properly by parents.
With the technological advancements, it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that computers have gained more popularity as compare to the past. Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that excessive usage of this on a daily basis may have an adverse impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it has more cons than pros on the development of the child.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, no doubt computer is a treasure of information and enhance mental and visual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Spend most of their time on computers, then they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time to pursue other activities. Although, this stage of life is most essential for the growth and development,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not give priority to outdoor activities which
directly
impairs their physical growth.
Furthermore
, this indoor activity has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on their eye vision,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
Did you mean "weakens"?
weaken
the muscle of hands due to its repetition.
For example
, it
is published
by the Health
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
that addictive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of gadgets like computer gives birth to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health disorders.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are using electronic gadgets on a continuous basis may lack social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. They
usually
hesitate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as they prefer to spend their time on games and videos
rather
than hanging out with their near and dear ones.
Thus
, it brings a lack of affection between them.
Besides
this, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Consider using a past participle here: "indulged".
indulge
on this equipment and influenced by external factors like fashion, status etc. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
believing that their elders are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for nothing and develop antisocial
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in them.

In conclusion
, over usage of computer may have an adverse impact on their holistic development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it should
be monitored
properly
by parents.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Using a computer everyday may have negative effects than positive on children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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