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Universities should allocate the same amount of money to students' sports activities as they allocate to their libraries. To what extent do you agree with this view? v.11

Universities should allocate the same amount of money to students' sports activities as they allocate to their libraries. v. 11
Universities are places of higher learning in every field, which includes sports. However, there are some who believe that sports activities at the university level should not be given the same amount of monetary support as libraries. Furthermore, I believe that sports activities are as important as libraries. Firstly, A common adage illustrating my perspective is, a healthy mind in a healthy body. Moreover, Games cannot be conducted just by including them in the curricula. As a result, It needs commitment and action resulting in hiring coaches; providing facilities, amenities & supplies; networking; and participation in sporting events. In such a scenario, a student enrolling in a sport as part of his university education has a wholesome experience of fitness, discipline, a winning attitude and sportsmanship, as which he can only read about in the library. Secondly, People who support the thinking that funding for sporting activities has to be reduced believe that sports will distract students from the primary goal of acing in academics. Burying his head in books is not enough for a student to excel. Although, It will only make him a bookworm, give him a headache, a bad posture, and an inability to be practical. On the other hand, indulging in sports activities is a scientifically proven way of accelerating blood circulation to all parts of the body, especially the brain, which sustains the brain for the work it needs to do in the library. Finally, It will also add good posture and real life experiences with teammates, as well as we will go a long way to make him a successful human being. In conclusion, I agree that libraries and sports should be treated equally by universities, where funding them is concerned. Therefore, to summarize, Moreover, let me give you an example.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
are places of higher learning in every field, which includes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
level should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same amount of monetary support as libraries.
Furthermore
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as libraries.

Firstly
, A common adage illustrating my perspective is, a healthy mind in a healthy body.
Moreover
, Games cannot
be conducted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by including them in the curricula.
As a result
, It needs commitment and action resulting in hiring coaches; providing facilities, amenities & supplies; networking; and participation in sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. In such a scenario, a student enrolling in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
as part of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education has a wholesome experience of fitness, discipline, a winning attitude and sportsmanship, as which he can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
read about in the library.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who support the thinking that funding for sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will distract students from the primary goal of acing in academics. Burying his head in books is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for a student to excel. Although, It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him a bookworm, give him a headache, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
posture, and an inability to be practical.
On the other hand
, indulging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is a
scientifically
proven way of accelerating blood circulation to all parts of the body,
especially
the brain, which sustains the brain for the work it needs to do in the library.
Finally
, It will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
posture and real life experiences with teammates,
as well
as we will go a long way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him a successful human being.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that libraries and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be treated
equally
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, where funding them
is concerned
.
Therefore
,
to summarize
,
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me give you an example.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Universities should allocate the same amount of money to students' sports activities as they allocate to their libraries. v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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