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UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008 v.1

UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008 v. 1
In the present situation where the problems of the aging society are increasingly serious, it has been a debatable issue whether such a trend will prompt problems or not while others opine that the older population is an essential part of society. In this essay, I am going to examine the question from both points of view and then give my own perspective on the matter. On one side of the argument, there are people who argue the benefits of having the older population considerably outweigh its disadvantages. The main reason for believing this is that their long experience can help young people to understand the history of this world more effectively. The old people were witnesses of this world, and conveying information to successors is pretty ideal for their duties. It is also possible to say that older people are unlikely to be impulsive compared to young people and this characteristic can make this society more stable. On the other hand, it is also possible to make the opposing case. It is often argued that the old age security pension can be a big burden for the modern generation. People often have this opinion because they believe that there are too many retired people, but too few young workers. A second point is that conscription is becoming alarming in many nations. A particularly good example here is that in South Korea, the 'Ministry of National Defence' warned that the country would be suffering from a lack of conscripts, which can make the future of the country vulnerable. In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their merits. On balance, however, I feel that the aging society can accelerate the falling of many countries and communities because young people have to load too many burdens, and there are so few young men to apply military service.
In the present situation where the problems of the aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
are
increasingly
serious, it has been a debatable issue whether such a trend will prompt problems or not while others opine that the older population is an essential part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. In this essay, I am going to examine the question from both points of view and then give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective on the matter.

On one side of the argument, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who argue the benefits of having the older population
considerably
outweigh its disadvantages. The main reason for believing this is that their long experience can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to understand the history of this world more
effectively
. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were witnesses of this world, and conveying information to successors is pretty ideal for their duties. It is
also
possible to say that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unlikely to be impulsive compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and this characteristic can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
more stable.

On the other hand
, it is
also
possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the opposing case. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age security pension can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
burden for the modern generation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe that there are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
too few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
workers. A second point is that conscription is becoming alarming in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations. A
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example here is that in South Korea, the 'Ministry of National
Possible spelling mistake. 'Defence' is British English.
Defence
' warned that the country would be suffering from a lack of conscripts, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the future of the country vulnerable.

In conclusion
, I believe both arguments have their merits. On balance,
however
, I feel that the aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can accelerate the falling of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries and communities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
load too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
burdens, and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
to apply military service.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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