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The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008 Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008
It is believed by a few people that multicultural countries grow more quickly in comparison to a homogeneous society. I completely agree with this view because diversity brings new ideas and development. First, when various ethnic groups live together and interact with each other, they tend to develop new point of views, attitudes towards life and solutions for complex problems. People become open-minded and more tolerant of other cultures, as a result, they do not waste time and energy in contradicting opposing points of view, instead try to derive the best solutions from all the possible outcomes. Consequently, the economy of a nation with cross-culturalism grows rapidly under the influence of new ideas from people with different beliefs. For example, new kinds of business can be implemented, such as the Mexican fast food restaurant in my home city, which was opened by immigrants from Mexico. Surprisingly, it is becoming very popular in spite the fact that it is not our traditional food. Secondly, as a rule, educated and skilled immigrants are invited by host countries. These people bring new skills and technical capabilities which benefits the economy. It is believed that people from Asia are better at maths and science and that people from the United States have advanced marketing and leadership skills. When these people work together, it results in increased output for companies. For instance, one of my colleagues, who migrated to Canada, has developed a new algorithm for automated trading which resulted in huge profits for his company. To conclude, I completely agree that nations with diversity evolve faster than homogeneous societies as it opens new avenues of growth. Therefore, countries should promote movement as it will benefit them to advance both in economic and social terms.
It
is believed
by a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that multicultural countries grow more
quickly
in comparison
to a homogeneous society. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
diversity brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and development.

First
, when various ethnic groups
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
together and interact with each other, they tend to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
point of views, attitudes towards life and solutions for complex problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
become open-minded and more tolerant of other cultures,
as a result
, they do not waste time and energy in contradicting opposing points of view,
instead
try to derive the best solutions from all the possible outcomes.
Consequently
, the economy of a nation with
Possible spelling mistake found.
cross-culturalism
grows
rapidly
under the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
beliefs.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
kinds of business can
be implemented
, such as the Mexican
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food restaurant in my home city, which
was opened
by immigrants from Mexico.
Surprisingly
, it is becoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular in spite the fact that it is not our traditional food.

Secondly
, as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
, educated and skilled immigrants
are invited
by host countries. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and technical capabilities which benefits the economy. It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from Asia are better at
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
and science and that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
United


States have advanced marketing and leadership
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. When these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work together, it results in increased output for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
For instance
, one of my colleagues, who migrated to Canada, has developed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
algorithm for automated trading which resulted in huge profits for his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

To conclude
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that nations with diversity evolve faster than homogeneous societies as it opens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
avenues of growth.
Therefore
, countries should promote movement as it will benefit them to advance both in economic and social terms.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
290 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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