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The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.2

The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.
In this era of competition, every nation wants to grow more and more. Many administrators think that the most important factor is the economic growth of a country. However, in contrast, numerous people opine that other growth is more crucial rather than economic improvement. I, personally, believe that the financial stability is somewhat significant, but other areas of development like health, education and green environment are of higher value. There is no denying the fact that economic growth helps a nation thrive. It brings a large number of job opportunities along with higher salaries. Owing to this, people's standard of living will escalate automatically. Moreover, a homey can compete with other nations strongly, if it is prosperous and has developed economically. Furthermore, the burden of taxes on masses can be lesson with the financial security of a rustic. As a consequence, the officials will invest money on other areas of progress if it has extra funds. Nevertheless, other areas of progress should not be ignored by the Government because those regions depict how wisely a provincial operates. Health, education, political steadiness and green environment are some of the zones that are essential for the administrators to look into. For instance, destitute people cannot afford to buy medicines on account of having high prices. As a result, such people suffer to a great extent due to non-availability of required drugs. Adding more to it, sufficient funds should be available for everyone to get enough education and promote political steadiness. Finally, industrialisation should not affect the environment so that people can live healthy in the green surroundings. To sum up, I believe that economic progress is significant, but other areas where actual care is needed should be considered by the Government. Those less developed areas can make a nation world-class if managed accurately.
In this era of competition, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
wants to grow more and more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
administrators
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth of a country.
However
,
in contrast
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
growth is more crucial
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
improvement. I,
personally
, believe that the financial stability is somewhat significant,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
of development like health, education and green environment are of higher value.

There is no denying the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
thrive. It brings
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
job opportunities along with higher salaries. Owing to this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's standard of living will escalate
automatically
.
Moreover
, a homey can compete with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
strongly
, if it is prosperous and has developed
economically
.
Furthermore
, the burden of taxes on masses can be lesson with the financial security of a rustic. As a consequence, the officials will invest money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
of progress if it has extra funds.

Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
of progress should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those regions depict how
wisely
a provincial operates. Health, education, political steadiness and green environment are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
zones that are essential for the administrators to look into.
For instance
, destitute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
medicines on account of having high prices.
As a result
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer to a great extent due to non-availability of required drugs. Adding more to it, sufficient funds should be available for everyone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
education and promote political steadiness.
Finally
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
should not affect the environment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
healthy in the green surroundings.

To sum up, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
progress is significant,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
where actual care
is needed
should
be considered
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
. Those less developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
world-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
if managed
accurately
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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