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TPO8: Television advertising directed toward young children (age two to five) should not be allowed. v.1

TPO8: Television advertising directed toward young children (age two to five) should not be allowed. v. 1
There is no doubt that nowadays advertisement is an inevitable part of humankind' life and people frequently see different products publicized at Television channels. This brings up a highly controversial topic whether television commercials targeted at young aged people should be banned or not. I agree with this stance because of the following reasons that I will explain. The first reason that immediately comes to mind is that young children are lack of mental development. In fact, children have not ability to distinguish what is good or bad. If an advertiser introduces unhealthy products for them, it is likely that they will be negatively affected by advertisements. For instance, last night, a television program aimed at children publicized a new type of junk food. This food contained substantial amount of fat and sugar. I had not had any idea about this junk food before I found out that it a kind of potato chips. However, my younger brother could not recognize main ingredient of this food and he eagerly wanted to buy it. He did not understand my idea at all, instead he persisted to have it. Therefore, he went out in order to buy it from local store. After a while, it turned out that he had stomachache. This example demonstrates that if the commercial advertisements are allowed to show their products such as food for children at ages between two to five, children will observe them and tend to buy them without being aware that they are unhealthy. Hence, the commercial advertising directed toward children should be prohibited, as young children cannot differentiate right or wrong goods. The second point worth discussing is related to families’ economic condition. In fact, parents may not have sufficient money to buy their children whatever the television promotion shows. When a child observes a product in the television advertisement, he/she tries to convince and enforce his/her father to purchase products that have been shown them. For instance, there is an advertisement about newly produced miniature motorcycle. My younger brother accidently saw it in the middle of commercial break and thus he started to cry and scream in order to enforce his father to purchase it. However, my father cannot afford it due to his financial situation. Further forces from the child caused father to take a high interest loan from a bank, which will, in turn, lead on financial pressure for the family. This example proves that television promotions lead on more dramatic damage to families' economic, unless they are uncontrolled. Therefore, television advertisements aims at children from two to five ages should not permitted. In conclusion, according to above-mentioned factors, I contend that government should regulate commercials designed to young children because of children' s undeveloped intellectual as well as families' economic circumstances. Why don’t you consider these factors as good reasons in supporting the plan of restricting television advertisement directed toward young aged children?
There is no doubt that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
is an inevitable part of
Possible spelling mistake found.
humankind&
#039; life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
publicized at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
channels. This brings up a
highly
controversial topic whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
commercials targeted at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be banned
or not. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this stance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the following reasons that I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
.

The
first
reason that immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are lack of mental development. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have not ability to distinguish what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
. If an advertiser introduces unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
for them, it is likely that they will be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
.
For instance
, last night, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
program aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
publicized a new type of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contained substantial amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar. I had not had any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about this junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I found out that it a kind of potato chips.
However
, my younger brother could not recognize main ingredient of this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
food and
he
eagerly
wanted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
it. He did not understand my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
at all,
instead
he persisted to have it.
Therefore
, he went out in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
it from local store. After a while, it turned out that he had stomachache. This example demonstrates that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at ages
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between two and five".
between two to five
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will observe them and tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
them without being aware that they are unhealthy.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
advertising directed toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be prohibited
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot differentiate right or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.

The second point worth discussing
is related
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families’
economic condition. In fact, parents may not have sufficient money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whatever the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
promotion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
. When a child observes a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
, he/she tries to convince and enforce his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that have
been shown
them.
For instance
, there is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
about
newly
produced miniature motorcycle. My younger brother
Possible spelling mistake found.
accidently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
it in the middle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
break and
thus
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to cry and scream in order to enforce his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
it.
However
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
cannot afford it due to his financial situation.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
forces from the child caused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
to take a high interest loan from a bank, which will, in turn, lead on financial pressure for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. This example proves that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
promotions lead on more dramatic damage to
Possible spelling mistake found.
families&
#039; economic, unless they
are uncontrolled
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
aims at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from two to five ages should not
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "permit"
permitted
.

In conclusion
, according to above-mentioned factors, I contend that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should regulate commercials designed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s undeveloped intellectual
as well
as
Possible spelling mistake found.
families&
#039; economic circumstances. Why don’t you consider these factors as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reasons in supporting the plan of restricting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
directed toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
?
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
57Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO8: Television advertising directed toward young children (age two to five) should not be allowed. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
484 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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