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agree or disagree with this statementtelevision advertising directed toward toward young children should not be allowed v.1

agree or disagree with this statementtelevision advertising directed toward toward young children should not be allowed v. 1
While some people believe that it is better to share information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world, others argue that some knowledge is too important or valuable to be shared freely. In this essay I will discuss both these notions and explain why I agree with the former. Firstly, people who think some data is too beneficial to publish freely may argue that it’s having a great financial value and could lead to anti-competitive conduction by individuals and companies. To illustrate this, the ingredient of Coca-Cola is not published from the beginning of the company because if they released the secret, all opponents could reach same taste and Coca-Cola will lose their value. Another point could be the effort which was given to reaching that data. This effort might be money, work or time and it can be unfair to share it without expecting something in return. On the other hand, this type of intelligence should share with everyone because of their profits and meanings for humanity. Especially, scientific researches about health problems because this info can lead to cure diseases which people are suffering and it will be greedy to keep it for financial benefits. Furthermore, business and academic world is also same with the aforementioned. As long as they are being beneficial to humanity, every data must be shared in every area because human life is worth more than money and they can be used for better conditions and future. In conclusion, despite the power and financial values of data about science, business and education, I wholeheartedly believe these should be shared freely because of their importance for humanity.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is better to share information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world, others argue that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
or valuable to
be shared
freely
. In this essay I will discuss both these notions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is too beneficial to publish
freely
may argue that it’s having a great financial value and could lead to anti-competitive conduction by individuals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. To illustrate this, the ingredient of Coca-Cola is not published from the beginning of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if they released the secret, all opponents could reach same taste and Coca-Cola will lose their value. Another point could be the effort which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to reaching that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
. This effort might be money, work or time and it can be unfair to share it without expecting something in return.

On the other hand
, this type of intelligence should share with everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their profits and meanings for humanity.
Especially
, scientific researches about health problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this info can lead to cure diseases which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering and it will be greedy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
it for financial benefits.
Furthermore
, business and academic world is
also
same with the aforementioned. As long as they are being beneficial to humanity, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be shared
in every area
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
human life is worth more than
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for better conditions and future.

In conclusion
, despite the power and financial values of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
about science, business and education, I
wholeheartedly
believe these should
be shared
freely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their importance for humanity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay agree or disagree with this statementtelevision advertising directed toward toward young children should not be allowed v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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