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TPO36_which advise would you give a child just starting school? why do you think it would be helpful? v.1

TPO36_which advise would you give a child just starting school? why do you think it would be helpful? v. 1
In the modern era, where a success of the person is evaluated through their social status and high standard of living. People spent their hard earned money on celebrating different occasions of their life. Although, many may consider it as a positive phenomena, it is not a trend without drawbacks. In this essay, we will discuss both sides of the coin before any conclusion can be drawn. Firstly, the changing trend and the desire to show off in front of friends and families are the primary reason for this change. It is important to enjoy small events of one's life, but spending without giving it a second thought, is not a sensible decision. Also, over spending just to imitate others is not a way to show off one's social status. There is a need to understand that we should not waste our hard earned money and these resources can be used for other productive activities. Nowadays, people are spending a whole lot amount of money on destination weddings just to copy others, which results in the wastage of resources and money. For example, recently one of the Indian family went to Uthrakhand for their son's wedding and later they were fined heavily for the destruction of natural resources and disturbance to local public due to their celebrations. Secondly, there is a large section of people who think that celebrations are there in our culture and heritage. There is no other way to educate a new generation about our religion and ethics, than to give them live experiences. For example, weddings in India are considered as the most auspicious tradition. As a result, divorce rates in our country are much lower than any other part of the world. Furthermore, some people think that they earn for the happiness of their families and their's no use of saving it for the future. The celebrations are the only way people find time from their busy schedules, to enjoy some happy moments with their families and friends. To conclude, I totally agree that it is important to celebrate different occasions in your life. The arrangements for any occasion can be done in limited budget and without any wastage of food and money. Instead, spare money can be used in the education of children and giving them opportunities to succeed in their lives.
In the modern era, where a success of the person
is evaluated
through their social status and high standard of living.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
spent their
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hard earned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on celebrating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
occasions of their life. Although,
Possible agreement error. The noun may seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much may", "a good deal of may".
many may
consider it as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "phenomenon"?
phenomena
, it is not a trend without drawbacks. In this essay, we will discuss both sides of the coin
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
any conclusion can
be drawn
.

Firstly
, the changing trend and the desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off in front of friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are the primary reason for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
of one's life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
spending without giving it a second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, is not a sensible decision.
Also
, over spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to imitate others is not a way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off one's social status. There is a need to understand that we should not waste our
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hard earned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and these resources can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
productive activities. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending a
Consider using "lot".
whole lot
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on destination weddings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to copy others, which results in the wastage of resources and money.

For example
, recently one of the Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
went to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Uthrakhand
for their son's wedding and later they
were fined
heavily
for the destruction of natural resources and disturbance to local public due to their celebrations.

Secondly
, there is a large section of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that celebrations are there in our culture and heritage. There is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
way to educate a new generation about our religion and ethics,
Did you mean "then"?
than
to give them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
experiences.
For example
, weddings in India
are considered
as the most auspicious tradition.
As a result
, divorce rates in our country are much lower than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
part of the world.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they earn for the happiness of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
Did you mean "their" or "theirs"?
their's
no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of saving it for the future. The celebrations are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find time from their busy schedules, to enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
happy moments with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and friends.

To conclude
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to celebrate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
occasions in your life. The arrangements for any occasion can
be done
in limited budget and without any wastage of food and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Instead
, spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the education of children and giving them opportunities to succeed in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO36_which advise would you give a child just starting school? why do you think it would be helpful? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
388 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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