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TPO32- Independent Writing-Young people today have no influence on the important decisions that determine the future of society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

TPO32- Independent Writing-Young people today have no influence on the important decisions that determine the future of society as a whole. v. 2
As technology grows, every aspect of our lives becomes different. our world changes quickly, and people have to adapt to these changes as far as they can. However, young people can adjust themselves better because they can realize and understand better than their parents. when it comes to influencing the significant decisions of society, I firmly believe that youngsters today have not a strong impact because of the reasons I will elaborate. First, youngsters today are more materialistic than ever before. they believe that money is everything, and the wealth of life lies in their financial situation. they see their parents and their miserable life. they are just working to provide their pupils with a suitable life. hence, they have realized that nothing is valuable than the money, and they have to try hard to earn it. this reality leads them not to ignore them wherever they face. they do not vote for any election or work as a volunteer because they know that this will not bring them money in return. Second, technology has changed the way young people think. With the advancement of technology, young people are more attracted to the novel innovations are mostly involved in trying them. The youngsters, today, are living a hectic life because they always play or work with their mobile phone. Also, most of their valuable time is spared with these types of technological devices. hence, they have no time to contribute to any relevant decision of their society or even have never heard of these types of news. Meanwhile, youngsters are the future hopes of the community. it is crucial to firmly state that young people have their significant contribution to most of the decisions of the society as a whole. As they grow, they start to shape their community by trying the technological advances and letting the governmental people know which types of these technologies play an essential role in the future of the country. Take my country, for instance. it is our young people whom they determined the importance of using social media to distribute the first-hand news in society, on time, compared to the old-fashioned way via the TV news. this led our people more alerted when one disastrous occurrence like an earthquake happens. All in all, although young people may not have involved in the vital decision of their country because of their ultimate goal like being wealthy, and messed up with technological advances, they are the way some important decisions are established.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
grows, every aspect of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
our
world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
quickly
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
adapt to these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
as far as they can.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can adjust themselves better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can realize and understand better than their parents.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
when
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to influencing the significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, I
firmly
believe that youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
have not a strong impact
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons I will elaborate.

First
, youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are more materialistic than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
believe that money is everything, and the wealth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
lies in their financial situation.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their parents and their miserable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
they
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
working to provide their pupils with a suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
hence
, they have realized that nothing is
Use "(valuable)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
valuable
than the money, and they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
try
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn it. this reality leads them not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
them wherever they face.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
do not vote for any election or work as a volunteer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know that this will not bring them money in return.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
. With the advancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more attracted to the novel innovations are
mostly
involved in trying them. The youngsters,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, are living a hectic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they always play or work with their mobile phone.
Also
, most of their valuable time
is spared
with these types of technological devices.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
hence
, they have no time to contribute to any relevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
or even have never heard of these types of news.

Meanwhile, youngsters are the future hopes of the community.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is crucial to
firmly
state that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have their significant contribution to most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as a whole. As they grow, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to shape their community by trying the technological advances and letting the governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know which types of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
play an essential role in the future of the country. Take my country,
for instance
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
whom they determined the importance of using social media to distribute the
first
-hand news in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, on time, compared to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-fashioned way via the TV news.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
led our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more alerted when one disastrous occurrence like an earthquake happens.

All in all, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may not have involved in the vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
of their country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their ultimate goal like being wealthy, and messed up with technological advances, they are the way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
are established
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO32- Independent Writing-Young people today have no influence on the important decisions that determine the future of society as a whole. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
416 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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