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TPO28-Q2(1)Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To protect the health of young children, advertisement for candy and junk food should not be shown on television. Use specific reasons and details in your response. v.1

TPO28-Q2(1) To protect the health of young children, advertisement for candy and junk food should not be shown on television. Use specific reasons and details in your response. v. 1
It is irrefutable that the rate of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming very violent, in many nations. However, this essay will discuss about the reasons of this problem in the first paragraph and then it will concentrate on its solutions in the subsequent paragraph. There are some reasons why the number of crimes is escalating. First and foremost reason is that the poor condition of the country. To put it simply, when poor people do not able to complete their basic requirements then they starts doing crime. For instance, in Delhi, the crime ratio is more because the condition of people's life is not good there. When poor people compared own condition with rich people, then they starts crime. All in all this is the reason which depicts that such type of condition give birth to this issue. On the other hand, some solutions are available to tackle this problem. Moreover, the government should try to provide basic facilities to people. For example, authorities can provide good job opportunities, give help to complete their fundamental needs like; bread, clothes and shelter which helps to decrease the crime rate. Another solution is that the government might be provide good and free education to poor children and aware about crime then they will good members of the society and avoid crime. In these solutions it is evident that the crime rate controls immediately. As such, it can be concluded that although the crime rate is high due to poor condition of the country but it is solved by the government. I request the authority to look into the matter and take proper action on this issue.
It is irrefutable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is increasing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are becoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
violent, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations.
However
, this essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
of this problem in the
first
paragraph and then it will concentrate on its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
in the subsequent paragraph.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
is escalating.
First
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
of the country. To put it
simply
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not able to complete their basic requirements then they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "start"
starts
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
For instance
, in Delhi, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
ratio is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
there. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compared
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
with rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, then they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "start"
starts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. All in all this is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
which depicts that such type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
give birth to this issue.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
are available to tackle this problem.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should try to provide basic facilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, authorities can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
job opportunities, give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to complete their fundamental needs like; bread, clothes and shelter which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to decrease the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
might be
Consider using the past participle "provided"?
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
and free education to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
children and aware about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
then they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
members of the society and avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. In these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
it is evident that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
controls immediately.

As such, it can
be concluded
that although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
is high due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
of the country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
is solved
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. I request the authority to look into the matter and take proper action on this issue.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO28-Q2(1) To protect the health of young children, advertisement for candy and junk food should not be shown on television. Use specific reasons and details in your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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