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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To protect the health of young children, advertisement for candy and junk food shouldnot be shown on television. Use specific reasons and details in your response. v.216

To protect the health of young children, advertisement for candy and junk food shouldnot be shown on television. Use specific reasons and details in your response. v. 216
Nowadays, the world is a globalization due to the certain circumstances. The world of all nations population is increasing day by day. Some experts believe that increase the population is not suitable for the growth of the country. However, others reckon that the nature population rise is playing a considerable role, and it is very beneficial as well as necessary. Because, it makes the development of the world's economy and society. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss both the viewpoints and add my own opinion. To start with, those people who opine that rise the population is not necessary. First and foremost step is that, it affects on the job opportunity. To cite an example, people know very well about the era of modern. If the amount of population will incline around the world. People spend more time in their house and also influence on the growth of society and the earth. People cannot earn the money from their work. So it holds the progress of the nature. Because of this, jobs will disappear. Hence, they say it is an unsuitable way to increase the population. Since the world is a smaller, individuals want to earn the money in order to complete the wishes of their family members. Those humans who ignore the increasing population. Firstly, it manufactures the country strong. To illustrate, if a country wants to fight with the neighbouring nation. Then, it is impossible for receiving the victory, it they have more slides. What is more, it develops the economy of the state. Such as India is that place where foreign nations run their business. Indian people had to work hard under these nations. When India got freedom. Then India developed the economy. To conclude, it is very necessary for growing the population of the country. I deem that it has many advantages behind this phenomenon.
Nowadays, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is a globalization due to the certain circumstances. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
of all
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "nations'" or "nation's"?
nations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is increasing day by day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts believe that increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is not suitable for the growth of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
, others reckon that the nature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
rise is playing a considerable role, and it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial
as well
as necessary.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the development of the world's economy and society. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss both the viewpoints and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who opine that rise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is not necessary.
First
and foremost step is that, it affects on the job opportunity. To cite an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well about the era of modern.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
will incline around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
spend more time in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
also
influence on the growth of society and the earth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
cannot earn the money from their work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it holds the progress of the nature.
Because of this
, jobs will disappear.
Hence
, they say it is an unsuitable way to increase the population.

Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is a smaller, individuals want to earn the money in order to complete the wishes of their family members. Those humans who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
Firstly
, it manufactures the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
strong. To illustrate, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
wants to fight with the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbouring' is British English.
neighbouring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. Then, it is impossible for receiving the victory,
Consider adding a comma here.
it
they have more slides.
What is more
, it develops the economy of the state. Such as India is that place where foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
run their business. Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
under these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. When India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
freedom. Then India developed the economy.

To conclude
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
necessary for growing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I deem that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages behind this phenomenon.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay To protect the health of young children, advertisement for candy and junk food shouldnot be shown on television. Use specific reasons and details in your response. v. 216

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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