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TPO18(independent)Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends. v.1

TPO18(independent) Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends. v. 1
I disagree with the notion that wild animals are redundant in the current century and therefore we need not waste our precious resources in protecting them. I believe that the conservation of these species should be our top priority as they are our most precious resources. In the following paragraphs I shall put forth my arguments to support my views. The most important reason for saving wild animals is that they are part of our ecosystem. Every animal of wildlife plays a role to maintain the balance of life on Earth. Thus, the loss of any living thing can affect us directly or indirectly. Let us consider species to be like a brick in the foundation of a building. We can probably lose one or two or a dozen bricks and still have a standing house. But by the time we have lost 20 per cent of them, we are going to destabilize the entire structure. That's the way ecosystems work. Secondly, wild animals provide many valuable substances such as medicine and fur. The horn of the rhinoceros has medicinal value and the fur of the mink is very valuable. The recreational viewing of animals at zoos is also a source of revenue. Thus, the financial value of wild animals is important to the economies of many nations. Finally, wild animals have aesthetic appeal. They are beautiful creatures of nature and are a part of our bio-diversity. Their beautiful and mysterious life has enchanted mankind since the dawn of evolution. Scientists have been awed by observing their behaviour. Such study has helped scientists understand how the human body functions and why people behave as they do. Scientists have also gained medical knowledge by studying the effect of many drugs on these animals. In conclusion, the protection of wild animals in the 21st century is by no means a waste of resources. In fact, it should be the most important global priority today. I pen down by a quotation – “Scientists know we must protect the wildlife because they are working parts of our life-support System".
I disagree with the notion that wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are redundant in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
century and
therefore
we need not waste our precious resources in protecting them. I believe that the conservation of these species should be our top priority as they are our most precious resources. In the following paragraphs I shall put forth my arguments to support my views.

The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason for saving wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
is that they are part of our ecosystem. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
of wildlife plays a role to maintain the balance of life on Earth.
Thus
, the loss of any living thing can affect us
directly
or
indirectly
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us consider species to be like a brick in the foundation of a building. We can
probably
lose one or two or a dozen bricks and
still
have a standing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
by the time we have lost 20 per cent of them, we are going to destabilize the entire structure. That's the way ecosystems work.

Secondly
, wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
valuable substances such as medicine and fur. The horn of the rhinoceros has medicinal value and the fur of the mink is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
valuable. The recreational viewing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
at zoos is
also
a source of revenue.
Thus
, the financial value of wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the economies of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations.

Finally
, wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have aesthetic
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "appealed".
appeal
. They are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
creatures of nature and are a part of our bio-diversity. Their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and mysterious life has enchanted mankind since the dawn of evolution.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Scientists
have
been awed
by observing their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Such study has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
understand how the human body functions and why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
behave as they do.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Scientists
have
also
gained medical knowledge by studying the effect of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drugs on these animals.

In conclusion
, the protection of wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
in the 21st century is by no means a waste of resources. In fact, it should be the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
global priority
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. I pen down by a quotation
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“Scientists
know we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
protect the wildlife
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are working parts of our life-support System
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO18(independent) Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
345 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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