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The two column charts show the percentage of food and other items bought by 3 European countries in 1998 and 2008 v.1

The two column charts show the percentage of food and other items bought by 3 European countries in 1998 and 2008 v. 1
Nobody can deny that parental influence is essential for children, at least in cases where children live with their parents, foster family or guardians. However, being away from family and socializing with peer is also crucial to child’ development, especially in the formative years. On the one hand, it is true that parents should be role models for their children, leading them to the progression. Nowadays, many responsible parents are keen to spend time with their children. As a result of this, they are able to prevent children’s misconduct such as bullying, absenteeism and misconduct. Furthermore, being with the family should reduce the risk of children falling victim to crimes such as abduction, or coming under the influence of negative peer pressure. On the other hand, it is impossible to take much care of children where both of the parents are the breadwinner. Consequently, they often travel on business trips for extended periods. However, child-minding and after-school childcare are best suitable option for this kind of family. If managed properly, these can be viable alternatives. In addition, spending most of time outside of the home is beneficial for children and their parents, at least communicating with peers will develop children’s soft skills. To conclude, while family time is essential for bonding and absorbing patterns of behaviour, there are definite advantages when children are outside the family too. However, this is only possible in a safe environment with well-brought up peers. However, this is only possible in a safe environment with well-brought up peers.
Nobody can deny that parental influence is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, at least in cases where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, foster
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
or guardians.
However
, being away from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and socializing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
is
also
crucial to child’ development,
especially
in the formative years.

On the one hand, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be role models for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, leading them to the progression. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
responsible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are keen to spend time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
As a result
of this, they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
misconduct such as bullying, absenteeism and misconduct.
Furthermore
, being with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
falling victim to crimes such as abduction, or coming under the influence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
pressure.

On the other hand
, it is impossible to take much care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
where both of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the breadwinner.
Consequently
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
travel on business trips for extended periods.
However
, child-minding and after-school childcare
A determiner is probably missing here: "are the best".
are best
suitable option for this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. If managed
properly
, these can be viable alternatives.
In addition
, spending
Consider using "most time" or "most of the time".
most of time
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the home is beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, at least communicating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
will develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To conclude
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
time is essential for bonding and absorbing patterns of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
advantages when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
too.
However
, this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible in a safe environment with well-brought up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
.
However
, this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible in a safe environment with well-brought up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The two column charts show the percentage of food and other items bought by 3 European countries in 1998 and 2008 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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