Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think that it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think that it is the fault of the parents. v. 2
In recent times, obesity is on the rise among children, which is a result of unhealthy eating. Some people say that the government is responsible for the increase in corpulence in children, while others blame their parents. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument and provide evidence as to why the government is responsible for this health issue. One of the main reasons that causes obesity is the consumption of packaged foods which has a lot of preservative and additives and this causes all the health issues among children. The government should have taken steps to reduce sale of packaged edible products such as chips, aerated drinks, chocolates, and ice creams by increasing the sales tax for all these products which will alleviate the consumption of these edibles. For instance, If the government had levied a 30% sales tax on chips, children would not have preferred buying it as it would have been expensive. Therefore, raising the price of unhealthy food could have easily put an end to the obesity issue among children. On the other side, parents must have created awareness about the healthy food options among their children. This would have helped the kids make wiser food choices such as consumption of fruits, juices, vegetables instead of chips and other packaged foods. For example, a recent survey shows that 80% of children consume salted potato chips during their snack break, which could have easily been replaced by an apple or other fruits. Thus, it is a parent’s duty to modify their child’s diet. In conclusion, even though some people blame the parents for not controlling their children’s diet, in my opinion, the government is primarily responsible for the obesity among children as it failed to levy more taxes on packaged foods.
In recent times, obesity is on the rise among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which is a result of unhealthy eating.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is responsible for the increase in corpulence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, while others blame their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument and provide evidence as to why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is responsible for this health issue.

One of the main reasons that causes obesity is the consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
preservative and additives and this causes all the health issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should have taken steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
sale of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaged
edible products such as chips, aerated drinks, chocolates, and ice creams by increasing the sales tax for all these products which will alleviate the consumption of these edibles.
For instance
, If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
had levied a 30% sales tax on chips,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would not have preferred buying it as it would have been expensive.
Therefore
, raising the price of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
could have
easily
put an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to the obesity issue among children.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have created awareness about the healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
options among their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
wiser
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
choices such as consumption of fruits, juices, vegetables
instead
of chips and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
For example
, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
consume salted potato chips during their snack break, which could have
easily
been replaced
by an apple or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fruits.
Thus
, it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
duty to modify their child’s diet.

In conclusion
,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
blame the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for not controlling their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
diet, in my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is
primarily
responsible for the obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it failed to levy more taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think that it is the fault of the parents. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts