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TPO17 – Q2: A/D? Students should not be allowed to bring cell phones (mobile phones) into the classroom. v.1

TPO17 – Q2: A/D? Students should not be allowed to bring cell phones (mobile phones) into the classroom. v. 1
Some people argue that giving a job opportunity, to young peoples' organizations should motivate their older staffs to retire early. I disagree with this argument because aged staff members have considerable knowledge and vast experience, and solve complex problems with ease in the industry. Firstly, although young staff members are essential in the organization to some extent, veteran employees have significant technical skills in their field because they have spent many years of their life in that particular technology. In other words, they know how to handle day to day industrial operations and run the business smoothly just because of their experience. Consequently, the organization sale can be increased if they hired vastly experienced staffs. For instance, a survey has been done by Cambridge University found that 55 percent of the CEO of companies has age between 55 years to 60 years. If the organization has old staffs, it will be considerably beneficial to earn more profit than the company who has young teams. Secondly, elderly teams can quickly solve intricate problems, which arise suddenly in the industry. This is because they resolved complicated technical issues, which cannot be addressed by the fresher immediately. As a result, the company does not halt any operation or service for long hours due to quick response. For example, most companies in Japan have more than 40 % of Engineers are old and they know how to fix the problem quickly, and the Japanese government gives extra salary to those workers who are doing the job at the age of 60. In conclusion, I think that aged employees play a crucial role in the company's growth because they have experienced staff members and technical knowledge in the smart way to solve any complicated issues in the corporation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that giving a job opportunity, to young peoples'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
should motivate their older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staffs
to retire early. I disagree with this argument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
members have considerable knowledge and vast experience, and solve complex problems with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
in the industry.
Firstly
, although young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
members are essential in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, veteran employees have significant technical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in their field
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years of their life in that particular technology.
In other words
, they know how to handle day to day industrial operations and run the business
smoothly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their experience.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
sale can
be increased
if they hired
vastly
experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staffs
.
For instance
, a survey has
been done
by Cambridge University found that 55 percent of the CEO of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
has age between 55 years to 60 years. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staffs
, it will be
considerably
beneficial to earn more profit than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
who has young teams.
Secondly
, elderly teams can
quickly
solve intricate problems, which arise
suddenly
in the industry. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they resolved complicated technical issues, which cannot
be addressed
by the fresher immediately.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
does not halt any operation or service for long hours due to quick response.
For example
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
in Japan have more than 40 % of Engineers are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
old and
they know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
the problem
quickly
, and the Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
gives extra salary to those workers who are doing the job at the age of 60.
In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that aged employees play a crucial role in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's growth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
members and technical knowledge in the smart way to solve any complicated issues in the corporation.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO17 – Q2: A/D? Students should not be allowed to bring cell phones (mobile phones) into the classroom. v. 1

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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