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Modern technology has increased our material wealth but not our happiness To what extent do you agree v.1

Modern technology has increased our material wealth but not our happiness 1
In the modern world, many people are willing to live in a better life. In this regard, although there is an opinion that individuals should do their best in order to improve the bad circumstances or situations, others feel that adaptation is a key component of peace and quiet. Personally, I reckon that individuals should try to solve their problems. It is widely thought that modern people should aim to live in a better life. In this reason, they should not accept a bad situation, such as lack of money or unsatisfactory job, because this can lead them to degradation. Therefore, the only way to solve this kind of issue is hard working, because hard work always pays off. A good illustration of this is the life of Oprah Winfrey, who is a popular media person in the USA. She was raped, when she was 9 years old, and had many obstacles in her life. However, she managed to overcome these challenges, because of her knowledge and hard work. On the other hand, there is an opinion that individuals can accept a bad situation, if it will be beneficial for them. Therefore, these temporary challenges can help them to become more competitive, and accomplish their purpose. For example, students can ignore the lack of money in order to get a good experience and knowledge. Consequently, well-educated students can make enough money in the future. In addition, these challenges can help them to widen their horizons and get experience, which is essential for success. In conclusion, although many people tend to think that individuals should accept and satisfy with their current situation, personally, I believe that they should do their best in order to improve the bad circumstances, because adaptation often do not bring a desirable result.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In this regard, although there is an opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should do their best in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
circumstances or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
, others feel that adaptation is a key component of peace and quiet.
Personally
, I reckon that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should try to solve their problems.

It is
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should aim to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In this reason, they should not accept a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
, such as lack of money or unsatisfactory job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this can lead them to degradation.
Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to solve this kind of issue is
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work always pays off. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of Oprah Winfrey, who is a popular media person in the USA. She
was raped
, when she was 9 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obstacles in her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, she managed to overcome these challenges,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.

On the other hand
, there is an opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
can accept a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
, if it will be beneficial for them.
Therefore
, these temporary challenges can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to become more competitive, and accomplish their purpose.
For example
, students can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the lack of money in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
experience and knowledge.
Consequently
, well-educated students can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money in the future.
In addition
, these challenges can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to widen their horizons and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
experience, which is essential for success.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should accept and satisfy with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
,
personally
, I believe that they should do their best in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
circumstances,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
adaptation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
do not bring a desirable result.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Modern technology has increased our material wealth but not our happiness 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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